10 Things I miss about my husband Mark

I am not really good at telling my husband how great he is. Nor do I tell him all the ways I miss him. Yet, I do. I really do miss him. He is the love of my life. He is my dream come true. He has been terribly missed.

In celebrating our last week without him, I thought he deserved a post. Of course, I am good at lists. Here is a list of the 10 things I miss about my husband (in no special order.)

1. I miss the way he jumps in and helps with all sorts of things.
2. I miss the way he looks at me from across the room with a smirk on his face.
3. I miss how he makes coffee for me everyday.
4. I miss the comfort he brings when I am blue.
5. I miss the way he cleans up icky messes without batting an eye or gagging.
6. I miss him praying with our family for meal times.
7. I miss our early morning talks of how God is working in our lives.
8. I miss his pancakes.
9. I miss holding his hand.
10. I miss staying up late with him and watching grown up movies.

Basically, I just miss all of him.

Rain

Most of us are in need of rain. Our land is parched. Fires and dangers are overtaking our lands. Crops are destroyed. Homes have been ruined. Lives have been forever altered. We are crying out to God for some relief.

Recently, God has been answering our prayers and we have been getting our daily showers where I live. I am so glad. My yard is greener. My checkbook is fuller. My home is cooler. My spirit is renewed. My senses are at peace with the sights and sounds of the thunder, lightening, and dark rolling clouds.

This morning I started contemplating how the rain as renewed the earth and me. What if we treated God's word like the refresher rain is to the earth? What if I looked to His word to replenish my Soul like rain does? Just like the grass I would grow. My love bank would be full and the words of my mouth would be a sound of love. Inside I would be beautiful as radiant light just like the lightening.

Yes, God's word is the rain I needed today.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast

spirit within me.

Ps. 51: 10

Just some thoughts...

Lately, God has been speaking to my spirit.

He is telling me that my focus is off. I am so concerned about making it through the day that I am forgetting the purpose of my day. Sometimes, I just want to escape in my head....it is quiet there you see. It has no crisis....like the dog messing on the carpet or ME wetting herself and the carpet as she came and told me. Yet, living doesn't happen in the escapes. Living happens in the day to day grime of life. Each moment is to be embraced. Each moment needs to be cherished and looked upon as teachable. Here I am with the chaos of the morning. Yes, my dog decided the carpet is a lot like the green grass outside. Yes, my son has had 2 meltdowns. Yes, I have been asked about a dozen questions already. Yet, I am looking at my children as if they are the priority and that everything else is the distraction. Thank you Michelle Duggar for allowing God to use you to help refocus me.

Kaleb Mother's Day Poem 2011

Your love is like the air, it stays with me no matter where I go.

It's sweet like ice cream.

It's warm like a blanket.

It's soft like a dog's fur.

And your heart is as big as the Universe.

Thankful for my Mom Today

* I am grateful God gave me to my Mom.

*I am thankful for my Mom's transparency about her life.

*My Mom knew how to laugh.

*My Mom taught me how to forgive.

*She taught me the importance of knowing Scripture during tough times.

*My Mom chose life for me instead of aborting me.

*My mom never met a stranger-she loved everyone.

*She always loved me.

*She was always proud of me.

*She taught me how to "fight" for my family effectively. She was my biggest prayer warrior.

To God be the glory for loving me enough to give me my Momma even if it was for a short period of time.

The Journey to a Grateful Heart...

*Listening to my son, Joshua, belt out his heart in song at church.

*Kaleb smiling at me from across the sanctuary at church.

*Long talks with friends.

*Mary-Elizabeth playing with my hair for the first time.

*Topical steroid ointments, zyrtec, and other sorts that keep the itch away.

*Meals already planned.

*Unexpected love emails from my Prince.

*Stephen teaching his younger brother how to play.

*Kitchen cabinets cleaned off.

*Full body hugs and giggles from my sweet teddy bear Micah.

*Empty dishwashers.

*School room table cleaned off.

*Laying on the couch with my family and watching movies.

*Unexpected checks.

My heart leaps for joy

and I will give thanks

to Him in song.

Ps. 28:7b

Gratitude Awakens

*Thankful for a laptop computer so that I may sit in my most comfy chair and chat with my husband.

*Thankful that the baby inside me is doing well and that he/she is measuring correctly.

*Thankful for nap time---quiet time in my otherwise very loud home.

*Thankful for an abundant amount of hugs and kisses from all my children.

*Thankful for breakfast family devotionals that end up convicting me.

*Thankful for peace and prosperity in my walk with God.

*Thankful that my devoted husband lavishes his love to me from far distances.

*Thankful for being renewed today by friendships missed.

*Thankful to be in the second trimester.

*Thankful to have a new outlook.

The Journey of Gratitude Continues...

109. Thankful that I have been able to send my hubby 3 packages in the last week. One for stuff he needed. One for our Anniversary that will be this Monday. And the last one was for Easter.

110. ME has dropped her bottle...yay!

111. ME took her first nap in her crib today. She slept for about an hour and a half.

112. I ate comfort food tonight--meatloaf, potatoes and green beans-one of my Mom's favorites.

113. God showed me what is wrong with my sweet son Micah and how to handle the issue at hand.

114. Cuddle time on the couch has been super sweet as I have been feeling bad.

115. I finally had the energy to dust my entertainment center with more than a swifter.

116. Stephen has been saying the sweetest things to me and coming up to me for kisses and hugs.

117. Having 2 children ill makes one slow down.

118. As I was doing ME's hair today, she combed her doll's hair. Pretty special moment.

119. Yesterday, I was able to supervise Kaleb while he made banana nut bread. I am so glad I have a son who loves to cook.

120. My husband calls me religiously everyday two times a day. I am grateful that he deems me important enough to call me on his busy days.

121. Joshua has really loved playing outside on our playground. His enthusiasm helps to encourage all the children to play outside.

Loneliness

*Warning...this is like a journal entry. My blog for now will be utilized in a way for me to communicate my heart.*

My soul cries out.

My soul yearns for one more thing.

As I search my heart and allow God to refine me, I am faced with some harsh realities. Sadly the reality is about me and it is producing a new perspective on life. As I began this journey, I noticed quite quickly that some changes were needed. I believe with all my heart that these changes were going to be painful. No doubt that it is going to hurt to the core of my being, but in the end it will be worth it.

As I ponder these harsh realities, I am asking myself some questions.

Who really knows me?

Who do I allow to know my heart?

What do I readily share?

What is the purpose of my friendships?

How do I get renewed?

I came to the conclusion that I can be in a room full of people and yet feel alone. It isn't that I don't believe I have friends...it is just the closeness that I am yearning . I miss praying with my friends. I miss the accountability of friends. I miss being sharpened by friends. I miss their encouragement.

So, as I sit at my computer and contemplate life, I have decided that life for now will be lonely for this outgoing girl.. I need time to heal. I need time to refocus. I need time to restructure my thoughts. In short, I just need time...that is what this sabbatical is all about. A time to heal my heart.

Time for a Break

I decided earlier this year that I was going to take a break from teaching Bible study this summer. It makes me quite sad at times, but I know the rest is needed. I completely enjoy teaching sweet ladies about God. It is my passion in life and most times I am astonished the way God uses the studies to teach me. It is an awesome pleasure of watching ladies' lives changed in some phenomenal ways.

But lately I noticed some issues. It may just be pregnancy or maybe I allowed some of the gossip about me to get to my heart. Regardless, I know that God is calling me to rest in Him. I need to refocus and rejuvenate myself through spending time with God. My desire is to see what He wants for me and what I need to work on in the coming months.

So, you might be asking why am I telling you this? In short, I want the accountability. My ladies kept me accountable. I do not want to grow lazy. I want to stay fresh and revived. I want a fresh wind Spiritually. I yearn to listen to God and to share it just differently. I am choosing to blog what God is teaching me.

So, are you ready for the journey. I think it is going to be fun.

Now to plan where to start....hmmmm....

A Poem

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Proctor baby Number 6

Will make a fall debut!

My Journey to One Thousand Gifts...

So, lately things are a bit dreary around here. Mark is gone for his 4 month deployment and the kids and I have had the fevers and snot junk. To say in the least my attitude has not been the best. To combat the "bad" attitude I am going to give God the sacrifice of thanks. I am following Ann Vankamp's book One Thousand Gifts. I strongly suggest it to all my friends. It will change your life and your perspective.



102. Little girl listening to music and dancing.

103. Micah's full body hug at midnight.

104. Sweet friends visiting from afar.

105. A fb chat with an old friend.

106. Snow cones on a cool day.

107. Phone calls from the love of my life.

108. Little boys who can ride faster because their bikes are new.



I feel better already.

Thinking Out Loud

So, I have been contemplating some deep questions lately. One of the most prevalent question on my heart is what would my response be if I knew something tragic would happen in 6 months. Tragic events in this case would be loss of a child or Mark. It could even be severe damage by a disease or accident to myself or immediate family.

I think my initial response would be extreme despair. I would cry and beg God to change His mind. I would probably make some physical changes too. I would sit with my child until he/she fell asleep every night. I wouldn't homeschool any longer. Our days would be filled with fun and memory making activities.

If I was loosing Mark, I would probably cater to his every desire. I would want him to tell me his dreams for each child. I would write his wisdom down for our children to learn from in years to come. I would embrace every hug and kiss completely differently.

In essence, I think I would embrace life more fully. Recently a young man was told he had 6 months to live. His response is telling anyone and everyone who will listen about the saving grace of God.

I would hope my response would be the same.

Sadly, God's Word is very clear that we will have many troubles in this world. Thankfully, God has also said that He has overcome this world. So, I guess at some point in time we will all have a tragedy that will come into our lives at some point in time.

As I get older, I realize the only real true thing in life is God. It is God that get me through each obstacle. It is God who comforts me through the night. It is God's Word that is alive and active in me that makes the attitude change...not the situation. My hopes is that I can prepare now for the sorrows later. I want to memorize His word and be grateful daily for His provisions. I want to have something to grasp onto in my deepest despair.

In contemplating this situation, maybe the real response to any grief should always be to fall in love with Jesus way before the sorrow comes my way.

Gratitude...

I am about to embark upon a book and I have no doubts that I will be sharing this book with you. However, on a recent blog I read how the author Ann Vokskamp challenges the reader to write a 1000 things you are thankful for.

WOW!

So, I am going to start my list. My goal is to share a portion of my list with you each week.

1. I am thankful for a lap top. My lap top makes chatting on fb, writing blogs and balancing my checking account easier than ever before.
2. I am thankful that my husband has a passion for loving me through bathing our small children.
3. I am thankful that Mark desires to read to our children from books that will increase their character.
4. I am thankful for the sunshine that warms my body on cool winter days.
5. I am thankful for cell phones. Without a cell phone, I would be tied to my home waiting for Mark to call me while he is out of country.
6. I am thankful for Beth Moore. She has taught me volumes concerning the Word of God.
7. I am thankful for Kaleb eagerly going to get the mail even in the snow.
8. I am thankful for having this opportunity to blog my thoughts and journal the lives of my children.
9. I am thankful that ME loves for me to snuggle next to her while she falls asleep.
10. I am thankful for Stephen's contagious smile.
11. I am thankful to have a close friend and have the freedom to say what I think and feel without the fear of judgement.
12. I am thankful for Micah's sweet words of encouragement.
13. I am thankful that Joshua has a desire to do right regardless of the peer pressure that surrounds him.
14. I am thankful that I can home educate my children. I love watching them find success.
15. I am thankful that my Mom taught me about Jesus and showed me a genuine love for Him.
16. I am thankful that my sister calls me several times a week.
17. I am thankful that my brother and sister in law are faithful to fb. I love hearing the antics of my sweet niece and nephew.
18. I am thankful that strangers became family through a bond of true agape love.
19. I am thankful that today is a lazy day.
20. I am thankful that my heart soars when I hear my husband's ring tone.

So, will you take the gratitude challenge? Join me and let's tackle the Monster of Negativity.

"Be joyful always; pray continually;

give thanks in all circumstances, for this

is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

A Letter to My Momma

On Tuesday the 25th of January, we will mourn the fact that my Mom has been dead for 3 years. Or should I say we are celebrating the fact that my Mom has been in Heaven for 3 years. Grief is delicate and hard. Some days I feel like celebrating and rejoicing, but on other days I yearn for one more phone call.

So, today I am going to write my Mom a letter. I hope to convey my heart to her and her beautiful soul to you.

My Sweet Momma,

You have been gone for 3 years, but at times it feels as raw as yesterday. I wish so many times that I could pick up the phone and talk with you and tell you my thoughts. I would tell you how much ME reminds me of you. She absolutely loves clothes and purses. She has your hair and when she wakes up it looks just like yours (insert laughter). She loves to play with her babies and she is extremely stubborn. I wish you were here to watch her grow up with me.

I would tell you that Kaleb has your smile and your generosity. As he grows, I see the imprint you have had in his life.

Joshua has your passion for sports. He loves to watch football. He would definitely sit with you through the whole thing. He has a natural talent too. I wish we could sit and watch one more Cowboy game together even if they are losing.

Stephen has your analytical brain. He can figure anything out. He is very "mechanical." The other day I heard hims say, "Lefty loosy--righty tighty." He is great with numbers and figuring out all that stuff. I know that his smile would melt your heart in moments.

Micah is definitely you. He is so stubborn. He thinks he knows what is best. I know this quality would suit him well someday just like it did you. I just pray I make it through his formative years. You would definitely get a kick out of him as he "explains" his way. I can still hear you taking the sides of your grand babies.

Momma, I never told you how proud I am of you. I really did not understand all your sacrifices and all your strength until Mark left recently for his 4 month deployment. So many times I wanted to tell you how amazed I am at your strength.

Thank you Momma for being a woman of character and a pillar of strength. Thank you for sharing Jesus with me because without Him I don't know if I could have handled the last 3 years. Thank you for being real with me about your failures and your successes....it helps to know that it gets better. Your wisdom astounds me to this day. Many of your witty statements come to my mind as I write this letter...all of them true and all of them useful at some point in time.

I guess what I really want to say is thank you for letting me be your daughter. Thank you for teaching me to be who God created me to be. I can't wait until we meet again and can sit under a tree near that crystal sea and talk face to face. Oh what a day that will be! Until then-thank you for those reminders of how much you love me.

Love and Miss You,

Susan

*Just in case you were wondering. The picture is of my Mom and Kaleb in 1999.

Bloggers Block

I really don't know what is wrong. I am at a lost of words. Or maybe I am at a lost on how to put the words on paper. Everything I write seems cynical. I know in my heart that it is not my plan, but the words are typed out and I am not impressed. I want my blog to breathe life into others. I want readers to walk away and be one step closer to the heart of God. I want to be real. I want to be who I am and not be afraid of others. I desire to share my heart with others, in hopes of providing hope in any situation.

Yet....

I am standing in my kitchen and listening to my sweet family giggle and scream (out of sure happiness). They are playing and having a great time. Yet, I am wordless.

Hoping the block goes away soon.

New Year's Resolution

I have been thinking about what I want to do differently this year. This is the time of year to reflect and make changes. So, in hopes of holding myself accountable with all of my wonderful readers, I am sharing the desires of my heart.

I want to play and be with my children (outside of schooling) daily. I want to connect with each of them in a way that lets them know how much I love each of them.

I want to get out of debt. I want to save money. I want to buy a van that fits our family. I want to honor God with the money He has given us.

I want to be disciplined in my daily times with God. I want to be faithful with what I have. I want to work out and be physically fit. I want to be humble. I want to seek God's approval and not mans (this will be hard.)

I want to love my husband the way he receives love. I want to laugh often, pray continuously, and listen intently.

I want to be joyful amidst the circumstances of 2011. I want to point others to Christ in a more loving way.

My desire for 2011 is to embrace the moments. What is your desire? Where are you heading? Can we journey together? Looking forward in sharing in the coming weeks more of what God is teaching me.