The Pain is Still There

I really shouldn't be writing a blog.  I should be wrapping presents for my son Stephen.  He is turning eight tomorrow. Yet, I am pondering my day. 

It started like any other day except I had a pep in my step.  I was getting things done this morning.  Then I ventured out of my home to go and purchase birthday gifts for my sweet son.  I went to a clothing store to pick up an outfit and that is when it all began.

A lady was in the store picking up two onsies.  One was for a little boy that said, "I love Mommy."  The other onsie was for a little girl that said, "I love Daddy."  She began to talk how she was having twins with her boyfriend.  The babies are due in October. 

UGH!

I became angry immediately.  I was frustrated that God gave someone else twins who wasn't even married.  My heart broke at my selfishness. 

I repented. 

Then I began to ask God what should I want for her.  How can I love someone who has something that I also had--once?

I remembered what God's Word said about your enemies.  Now, the lady was not my enemy.  I don't even know her name.  However, praying for someone makes your heart change. I needed a changed heart and attitude. So, I began to pray for the girl and her pregnancy.  I prayed that she would seek God and have a salvation experience.  I prayed for healthy babies.

I prayed that my heart would truly heal.  I begged God to redeem my situation and pain.

Just a few moments later--as I walked out of the mall, I saw another set of twins (boy/girl).  They were probably around 15 months old.  I smiled and said a prayer for them too!

If that was not enough....

I took my boys to their sport's practice tonight.  As I set at the table and fed my children, a lady game into the building pushing a stroller with twin newborns.  They were boy and girl too! 

At this moment, I began to ask God if He was trying to tell me something. 

A little later in the evening I was talking to Kaleb about my experiences today and he asked if God was telling me something.  At that moment, I looked up and saw a shirt that said 'Faith.' 

A little background information...we planned to name our twins Faith and Josiah.  When we lost the twins, Mark didn't believe that the babies we lost were the twins God gave him in a vision.  So, we kept the names of Josiah and Faith for the future (if there is a future.)

So, when I saw the name Faith after Kaleb's question I believed that God is asking me to have faith and believe Him for a great miracle.

Here I wait...again. 

In the waiting--I will trust God.  I will believe God.  I will praise God.  I will seek God.

"Now Faith is being sure of what

we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Hebrews 11:1

Answers to the Top 7 Questions

I have been asked several good questions lately.  I thought I would share the questions and answer them to the best of my ability.

1. Why tell everyone early? Mark and I both believe that life begins at conception.  We also believe that God creates all life.  Therefore, telling everyone early validates the life of our child regardless of how long that child is with us on earth.

When you send your Spirit, they are created,

and you renew the face of the earth.

Psalms 104:30

 

2. Why have more children?  Mark and I both believe that God has asked us to trust Him in all our ways and He will make our paths straight.  (Paraphrased from Proverbs 3: 5-6)We both believe that God has the best plan for our family and that His love is greater for us than we could ever imagine.  When we decided to give God our fertility, I had no idea that also meant to accept death. However, it is in my 5 losses that I have seen God work mightily in my life.  To give God our fertility doesn't mean we will have many kids.  It means we  will give Him our hearts and desires and accept His best for us which sometimes includes brokenness.

 

See now that I myself am He!

There is no God besides me.  I put to death and

I bring to life.  I have wounded and I will

heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand.

Deuteronomy 32:39

 

3. How are you?  I am physically healing very nicely from the loss of twins.  Emotionally I have my moments.  However, I do have a peace and joy.  I also have hope that God will use Malachi and Mercy's life for His glory.

 

4. Do you know what caused the miscarriage? We do not know what has caused the miscarriage.  We trust that God has a plan and that His grace will be sufficient for our need of knowledge.

 

5. How do you know it was twins? The ultrasound showed two sacs.  I also had many dreams and a huge hunch it was boy/girl twins. 

 

6. What should I say to someone who has suffered a loss through miscarriage?  I could give you a list of what not to say.  The most valid point to make with someone who has lost a baby through miscarriage is to validate their loss.  It is a life that is gone.  A dream that is dead.  An ache that cannot be filled by another child.  It is a hole in their heart.  It is a taste of reality that our home is not here on earth.  Let the person grieving know that it is okay to be sad and to cry. 

 

7. How are Mark and the children? Mark is a very strong man who understands how this loss affects him and his family.  He has grieved with me.  He has clung to Scripture and he has led his family to trust God above all things seen.  He has handled it very well. 

 

The children have also handled their grief well.  They have cried, been angry and rejoiced.  They can't wait to get to heaven to meet their 5 other brothers and sisters.

 

Well, hopefully that has answered most of every ones' questions.  If not, you are welcome to submit your question. 

 

Blessings,

               Susan

 

 



An Emptiness

An emptiness exist.  It won't go away.  I count my children, yet someone is missing.  We sit to watch tv and it seems as though a few have gone away.  My arms always empty.  My heart always aching.  My mind always wishing.

Then like a ton of bricks it hits me.  Maybe I will always feel like someone is missing because 5 special someones are missing.  Our life will never be the same.  My loss is to remind me that my home is not in this place.  The blessing of my loss is learning the realness of who God is. 

I absolutely love this song.  It was written and performed by a group called Watermark. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e01hk1BRYqM


Blessings, Susan

A Message of Compassion

I must forewarn you.  This is a post where I walk you down the road of miscarriage with me.  It will not be an easy walk, but a walk that will be well worth your time.

We found out we were pregnant with our 9th pregnancy on January 30th.  Mark and I were so excited!  He could barely hold in his excitement!  We told our children and they were jumping with glee (as well as ones with a yucky stomach virus could jump)!

Mark and I both believe that life begins at conception.  We also believe very strongly that every life has purpose regardless of how long they live.  Therefore, we tell everyone we are pregnant from the beginning because we want the life of our child to be validated.  Sometimes it is really hard to be transparent.  This is one of those times.  By the time we told everyone we were pregnant, we had lost our sweet babies.  Yet, God still had a purpose for my sweet babies.

Now back to the journey....

Shortly after I found we were pregnant I began to have dreams that we were having twins. I began to accept the hunch that we were having twins.  I even told my doctor, children, husband and friends. 

As time went by symptoms of my pregnancy didn't increase.  Then I began think that I was going to have a miscarriage.  I began to quote Scripture and pray for God to be BIG.  In times that I do not know how to pray, I always pray for God to be BIG!  God told me in my spirit that He was going to be BIG through this situation.  He said to my spirit that He was going to do something no human could explain.  I held onto that truth because that truth is my life line!

A few days later I began to spot.  I am so grateful God allowed Mark to be home before I had to go to the hospital.  At the hospital, we found out that we did indeed have 2 sacs.  Sadly, neither one of them had a heartbeat.  I knew that we had lost our babies...again.  I began to cry.  When we received my blood test results of the HCG level, hormone made while pregnant,  it was low.  So, we knew for sure
 that God had our sweet babies.

That night I cried all night long.  I would wake up and I would be crying in my sleep.  I ached for my babies.  When Mary-Elizabeth woke up that night and came to my bed, I held her tightly.

The tough part was yet to come.  We had to tell our children and our family.  There is no easy way of telling people that you have lost your babies. 

The Children were extremely sad.  They didn't want anymore siblings in heaven.  They had 3 previous to this loss. 

On Monday, Mark and I decided to pray for a miracle.  We knew that it would take faith.  Faith would mean opening ourselves up to grieving all over again.  So, I prayed a very powerful, heart felt prayer.  I prayed for God to heal my babies. I also prayed that if he chose not to heal them then he needed to take care of my heart.  I was choosing to "Be still and know that He is God."

Tuesday came and we went back to my doctor.  My doctor told me that we probably lost our babies.  He did some blood work to confirm and would call me later on in the day. 

Mark and I decided to pick out some Willow tree babies for our shelf.  We also decided to celebrate the lives of our babies.  We celebrated their birth in heaven.  We celebrated the fact that we will be able to see them again.  We celebrated the fact that all they know is perfect love.

We named our twins Mercy and Malachi. I always thought they were boy/girl twins. Malachi means my messenger and Mercy means compassion.  Together they are God's message to me of His compassion.

When you stop to look at the situation and ask the "WHY" question, you get a few glimpses into who God is.  God also lost His son to a most terrible pain--the sin of the world.  God freely gave up his son for me.  God knows pain.  He knows heartache.  He just knows.  He knows my pain.  He knows my heart.  He will fight for me if ONLY I give up to Him. 

My prayer for God to protect my heart came through with an peace and joy.  I rejoiced in the fact that my twins are safe. I have a peace that God has a plan for me too.  My prayer now is that God will use my pain for His glory.

I am praying for healing.  I am praying for God to be HUGE!

The Lord  will fight for you;

you need only to be still.

Exodus 14: 14



What do you think?

What do you think when you see a big family?

Where do you see them-the mall, Wal-Mart, or SAM's?

How do you look at them?

When you look at them is it a shock to see so many kids?

Or do you look at them saying, “They are so lucky to have that many blessings!” If you are thinking the last one go up and tell them. You would be amazed how great it makes them feel.

Big families get rude remarks more nice ones. As Christians, we should be nice to all people not just those who we agree with. God has called us to love everyone even our enemies.

Next time you see a big family out and about, you should tell them how lucky they are to have so many kids.

 Kaleb

Top Ten Things I Love About my Mom.

1. She makes me breakfast lunch and dinner.

2. She home schools me.

3. She lets me write on her blog.

4. She let me have a dog.

5. She lets me have coffee.

6. She knows what I like and don’t like.

7. She didn’t spend any money on herself this Christmas. (Don’t worry I used my money for her.)

8. She lets us have non gluten free foods that she likes.

9. She makes sure we all have the snacks we like.

10. No matter how much pain she might be in, no matter the stress she might be under she always put on a happy face!!! J

From My Eyes

              When my family is in the mall people will look at us and count us. I really want to get a shirt that says, “There are six of us. You don’t have to count.” Or they say stuff like, “They have six kids!” The funny thing is they don’t think we can hear them. I really want to turn around and say, “I can hear you,” or “Yeah and we are proud of it.” Oh, how I can see there shocked faces. It’s really nice when people say, “You’re so blessed,” or “They are so well behaved.”
              I also wonder what people think about us when my mom says “Every body to the right.” I’m sure it’s pretty funny. We could probably make a comedy/reality TV show. We would probably get top rating with all the Rebekah, Mary-Elizabeth, and Micah say.

Just picture it, “Are you ready for the Silly Six.”  Too cute!

It's Me!

Hi! It's Kaleb. I wrote this story a while back and my mom said I should put it as a blog. So here it is. I hope y'all enjoy it. I'm still in the editing process. I can send this story to a magazine. If they like it and it gets published they will give me $50 to college. So comments and suggestions would be encouraged. Thank you.

                 Kaleb
                                                                                                                           

　

　

The Angels

By Kaleb Proctor

It was a cold and rainy night. Unlike any other Israel had ever seen. It was the perfect night for a crime. That is why Michael (a.k.a. Joshua) and his sidekick. Oops, I mean partner Gabriel (a.k.a. Caleb) are watching very closely for anything out of order.



Meanwhile somewhere on the other side of Israel. In a secret lair

. the feared Mr. Fear is working on a plan.

“So boss what are you working on,” said his henchman for that was his name.

“I am working on a plan to scare those two Angels once and for all, mohahahaha ” said Mr. Fear maniacally.

“But didn’t you try to scare Gabriel by putting a robot cat in the tallest tree in Israel. So when he went up there he would look down and get scared. But it turned out he wasn’t scared of heights.”

“Yes, but this is time will be different.”

“But, didn’t you say that the last time. You put Michael in a small hallway that got smaller and smaller the farther you go down it. And he kept on going c’uz he thought that there was a little kid at the end of the hallway. Yet he wasn‘t scared.”

“Yes, but this time will be different. I promise.” “Mohahahaha,” They both laughed maniacally.

Meanwhile our Angels are flying over the city. There was a full moon out tonight so the city was pretty clear to see. The full moon lit up every nook and cranny. The sky scrappers were lit up with there building light. God definitely was helping them out on patrol.

“So Michael, do you think Mr. Fear will strike tonight.” asked Gabriel

“I really don’t know. But we have to trust that God will be with us,” replied Michael.

“Mr. Fear has not shown his feared face in months so he must have something big planed.”

“I agree so we best be on the lookout, Gabriel. Mr. Fear is very sneaky, so be on your guard. Remember Hebrews 5:13 … I will never leave you nor forsake you…”

　

　

　

THE NEXT DAY

In the lair of Mr. Fear. Mr. Fear’s lair was in an alley with graffiti all over it. It was made of bricks. The air smelt horrible and it was very musty. It was a home to rats. So Mr. Fear was welcome.

“So boss are we like gonna get those goody two shoes today or what.”

“Patience my henchman, we have to wait for the perfect time.”

“So In other words your not ready.”

“Precisely, now you are catching on.”

“ So what do you have to do before your ready,”?

“All I’m waiting for is for my ingredients to mix to together. Then I will have created a fear bomb. Mohahahah.”

“Excuse me like what is a fear bomb.”

“A fear bomb is a bomb that promotes your deepest fear right before your eyes if you are hit with the bomb of course. If you are scared of snakes boom there are snakes. If you are scared of lizards boom there are lizards. Do you understand now?”

“Yeah, so your gonna hit the Angels with the bomb so their deepest fear will happen to them?”

“Yes, now your catching on. So we just have to wait.”

“Are we done waiting?”

“No.”

“How bout now?”

“No.”

“Now?”

“NO!” (Bing)

“Now it is ready.”

“Mohahaha,” they laughed together.

Meanwhile in the mansion of Michael and Caleb. Caleb and Michael’s mansion was huge had five bathrooms. And ten bedrooms. It had a pool in the backyard and a statue of George Washington in the front yard.

“Caleb, we need to go scout the city now,” said Joshua!

“Why,” asked Caleb.

“Something is wrong I can feel it. In other words, something big is about to happen soon.”

“Well then what are we waiting, an invitation. Lets get going.”

  Somewhere in the middle of Israel Mr. Fear’s plan is going underway.

“So boss what are we gonna do since your fear bomb is ready.

“What we are gonna do is this. You are gonna go down that alley with this fear bomb and I’m gonna go down this alley with this fear bomb. And when Gabriel comes to get you hit him with the fear bomb. Got it?”

“Got it. So I hit Michael with the fear bomb?”

“No, you hit Gabriel.”

“With what?”

“The fear bomb!”

“So I hit Gabriel with the fear bomb?”

“Yes!”

“Ok I get it.”

“Took you long enough.”

“”Did you say something?”

“No, well its show time!”

~~~~~~~~

As our angels are flying over the city. They spot two people going into two different alleys.

“Gabriel you go in that alley and I will go in this one. We will signal each other with a pillar of fire if we are in need of help.” said Michael

“Understood,” replied Gabriel

So our angels split up.

                  ~~~~~~~~

“Hello, is anyone in this alley,” asked Gabriel. There was only silence.

“Hello, o common I said hello. Your suppose to answer. Its only polite.”



“Hello than,” said henchman.

“Oh hey henchman, how are you?

“I’m fine. And you?

“Great. I just came here to stop you.”

“I’m sorry I can’t let that happen.”

“Than I guess I will just have to beat you.”

“I think not.”

Henchman throws the bomb. Gabriel moves just in time not to get hit.

“Missed!”

“Did I?”

The bomb all of the sudden starts putting off gas.

“Cough cough What have you done?”

“You’ll see.”

“Wait where did you go? No, wait where am I? I’m in some sort of pit. And my hands and feet are tied. Something just touched me. Ahhh it’s a tarantula. Correction its millions of tarantulas. My worst fear come true. There starting to crawl all over me. Help me Michael!”



Meanwhile henchman is watching Gabriel.



“This is so cool Gabriel hasn’t moved yet he is paralyzed with fear.”

“Mr. Fear show yourself,” said Michael.

“Ok you caught me, but can you catch this,” replied Mr. Fear

As he said this as he threw the fear bomb. And Michael caught it.

“You lost Mr. Fear.”

“Have I?”

The bomb started putting of gas.


“Cough cough what have you done you villain.”

“Have a nice trip.”

“Nooooo, oh no I’m trapped. Where am I? I’m in some sort of building.”

“I’m glad you decided to join us, Michael.” said Mr. Fear

“Why am I captured.”

“Because I wanted you to have a front row seat when I launch this fear missile over the entire world.”

“You fiend.”

“I know and you can’t do anything.”

“Where’s Gabriel?”

“He has been removed from the equation.”

“How could you.”

“Because I’m evil that’s how.”

“The missile will launch in 5:00 minutes,” said a computer voice.

                   ~~~~~~~~

“I can’t do this any more. The tarantulas are all over me. Their bites are making me sick. Ok Gabriel think what happened before you came here. Henchman threw a bomb at you. I dodged it than gas came out. Did I go unconscious no c’uz I didn’t black out. So what kind of gas was it? Think Gabriel think. A fear bomb. It must be doing this. How do I counteract it. The Bible of course. Now which verse talks about courage. Joshua 1:9 of course. Have I not command you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord you God will be with you where ever you go. Joshua 1:9”



All of the sudden Gabriel was no longer in that pit. He was in the alley again.

“Like I said missed,” said Gabriel.

“I’m pretty sure that wasn’t suppose to happen,” replied henchman.

     ~~~~~~~~

“Are you ready to see history happen,” said Mr. Fear

“This is my worst fear come to life. Wait fear. That bomb, it must have had some sort of chemical in it the bomb that promotes your worst fear. So how do I beat it. That’s easy it’s the Bible. Now I have to think of a verse that would work. I know Psalm 56:3 when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you,” said Michael.

Suddenly Michael was in the alley again just like he thought he would be.

“You lost Mr. Fear the day you gave your soul to the devil,” said Michael.

“That was not suppose to happen,” replied Mr. Fear

“Your going to jail.”

Not if I run away.

At this moment Michael throws a right hook. Which knocks Mr. Fear to the floor.

“Next time run faster.”

Michael hand cuffs Mr. Fear.

~~~~~~~~    

“So henchman you can either give yourself up or I can take you down your choice,” said Gabriel.

“That is not a fair choice.”

“It’s a choice. So what do you choose?”



“I’ll give my self up.”

“Good choice “



Later that evening.

“So Joshua, Mr. Fear and henchman are behind bars, the world is safe, and were in time for Wednesday night church. I think we did great,” said Caleb.

“I agree another job well done,“ replied Michael.

　

　

　

　

　

　

THE END

Moments from Kaleb

My son has asked for his own blog.  He really enjoys writing.  In order to honor him, I am allowing him to write on my blog.  He is a very creative, funny writer.

Enjoy!

Guest Blogger

Hi it’s Kaleb. I’ve been asking my Mom for a blog, so we came to an agreement if I’m consistent in writing on her blog then we can discuss me getting my own.

So……I’ve learned that little kids can drive you to the brink of insanity, but at the same time they can say and do the funniest things. For instance, my brothers and I were fighting and if I hit them with one of my swords they would have to faint. Well, Mary did not like how I was hitting them. She ran over to Stephen (who was knocked out) picked up his sword, held it up in the air and swung down to hit me--BAM. Oh no, don’t worry she didn’t hit me! She missed me and hit Stephen who was laying on the ground in front of her. It was too funny!

Another time, I was asking my brothers if they were going to have a big family since they grew up in one. Well I mostly got I guesses.

But Micah came to me just a little bit later and said, “Yeah I’m gonna have a big family. I’m gonna marry three wives!”

After I got through laughing I told him, “You cant do that.”

Well, he informed me, “Yes I can they do it in the Bible.” For everyone who is reading this let me tell you that we just got done reading in our family Bible reading Jacob and his many wives.

Just to prove my point something happened today. We were playing Star Wars and Rebekah brought us some food. I pointed my light saber at her and asked if it was poisonous she looked at me then at the light saber and bit the light saber. My brothers and I all yelled,” Ahhh she bit a light saber she is indestructible!” You would have thought she won a million dollars. She set up straight and strut her stuff all the way cross the room. I wished y’all could have seen it.

Well talk to y’all later, bye.



Kaleb

Lessons Learned....

He's a good man.  He was just scared or maybe he was disillusioned.  Or maybe he was protecting his family or preserving his marriage.  Maybe he just plain forgot.

I will never really understand why my father decided to not be apart of my life. It doesn't make sense.  It is not how God intended it to be.  It wasn't for my best. 

The plain truth is that sin stinks!  Another plain truth is that sin often affects everyone within a 100 mile radius. 

I was conceived out of wedlock.  In fact, I was a product of an affair between a secretary and her boss.  Oh, the boss offered to marry the pretty secretary, but the secretary knew it would never last. 

Love is depth, not passion.

The difference between the secretary and the boss is the secretary lived with her gift from their mistake.  She saw how reconciliation, forgiveness and ownership could change lives. 

It did.

It changed me.

My mother never regretted me.  She never made me feel ugly or unwanted. 

She made me feel loved and cherished. I was her precious gift amidst a tough circumstance.

My father chose to honor his family and keep his marriage intact.  That is a honorable choice, but not the right one.  From the beginning, God wanted us to choose reconciliation.  His desire has always been for all the wrongs to be made right.

My father chose a different path. 

I have always prayed for reconciliation.

So now that my father has passed away and in all intents and purposes I have had my reconciliation through a dream (see previous post), what now?

How do you grieve over a dream, over a vision, over a life that is gone? How do you honor your father?  Where do I go from here.

Well, I am only 28 hours into this process and I really can't answer those questions in my own wisdom. 

So, I went to the place of wisdom--God's holy word!

Here is a list of what God has taught me through His word in this difficult chapter of my life.

1. I should honor my father.  In this circumstance, honoring my father is to respect his wishes.  He wanted his family to be protected from the truth of my existence.  He wanted to protect them from his past. Therefore, I have chosen to leave well enough alone. I have no plans for flowers, cards or well wishes.  I did not attend the funeral. I have not ran his name across facebook and defaced who he is.

Honor your father and your mother.... Exodus 20:12

 

 

2. Regardless of the way I came about, I was created for a purpose.



 

 I am fearfully and wonderfully made...Psalm 139:14

 

3.  The only thing that can help me keep my attitude in check is the Word of God. Some days I would really like to give some people a piece of my mind!

 

For the Word of God is living and active...

it judges the thoughts and attitudes

of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

 

4.  I need to keep my thought life on the things of Christ. It would be so easy to focus on all my inadequacies and why I am not acceptable. It would also be easy to focus on what I have missed and not what I have.

 

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,

 whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent

 or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

 

5. Last thing I have gleamed from Scripture is that God heals the broken hearted. He ears my cries and He and only He can fill the brokenness that has come forth because of the emptiness that not having a dad can bring.

 

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth

and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you

 and not be silent.  O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

 Psalm 30:11-12

 





  I am so blessed that I am able to call the God of the Universe, my Abba.

... you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry Abba, Father.

Romans 8:15



In a Dream....

Last night I had one of those dreams that only God could have blessed me with.

Some background information--I do not know my father.  I have been on a journey of learning how to forgive and let go for the last 38 years.

Now back to my dream---I saw my boys playing by the river.  As I watched them play, I saw a man who oddly looks like Santa Clause playing with them.  In my mother mode, I went down to the river.  I realized it was my father.  I went to him and said I know who you are.  I am your daughter.  He immediately apologized for all my hurt and anguish.  It was moving moment.  Then I woke up.

As I journal to God this morning, I was upset that I still had more issues with my father.  I prayed for reconciliation with my father.  Then God prompted my heart to google my father. 

I was shocked. 

He was dead.

He had died this past Saturday in my hometown hospital. 

I wasn't for sure what to do.  Then the dream came to me. I praised God for reconciliation.  I also prayed for God to confirm my dream as something from Him.

As we told our sweet children of my father's passing, my adorable 3 year old yells, "He looks like Santa!"

We looked at her like she was crazy.  My father is super skinny, no facial hair, and no white hair. 

My Dad was Santa in my dream too. Those sweet words were healing to my broken heart.

To utilize words of my dear friend when I told her about incident, "Helps you to realize God is smack dab in the middle."

My prayer and heart's desire this year is that God is so miraculous in my life that I could not explain Him. 

God is granting me my heart's desire--I cannot explain this.