Thursday, 30 September 2010
This year I wanted to do something a bit more fun. I wanted to see them as they are in Heaven.
A friend suggested that I dream about the boys growing up in Heaven and blog. It is a different experience for the twins because they have been made perfect in death through Christ.
Here we go...
So, while my children on earth sit through Sunday school to learn more about Jesus, the twins sit with Jesus and learn.
While my children pretend to ride wild exotic animals, the twins might actually ride a lion, a giraffe, or an alligator on those golden streets. Maybe they are taking a ride on a Great White Shark. They could be flying on the back of a Bald Eagle. Whatever they are doing, I can almost hear their squeals.
While my children cry when they scrape their knees or when a day has gone poor, my twins know complete freedom to be who they were created to be without the fear of pain.
While my children listen to a cd of earthly, angelic melodies in order to go to sleep. My twins hear the true angelic music all around them as they rest.
While my children are being raised by earthly parents who mess up daily, my twins have perfection.
While my heart aches at the thought of my loss, my spirit rejoices. My sweet Zechariah and Hezekiah are in a place I can barely describe without getting giddy with excitement.
So, to answer Stephen I said, "Yes, I bet they are going to have the time of their lives." Because we all know there is a "Martha" in Heaven planning the biggest 4th birthday bash ever.
Happy Birthday Boys!
Monday, 20 September 2010
My friend and her two children are saying good-bye to her soldier as I write. He is back to fighting a hard, cruel war for another 6 months.
My sister's principal is a fabulous man who loves God and has given his life to following God by loving on children. He is presently on life support in ICU. He was healthy then he wasn't.
My sister in law's family friend died of a brain aneurysm last night. She went to the bathroom during a baseball game and never came out.
I have a friend who is struggling to trust God and have another baby after a miscarriage.
So, today I am weak. My burdens are high. My God is sufficient.
Saturday, 18 September 2010
This is why my world is always spinning.....children say the sweetest and funniest things.
Micah said, "Come come come to my service. There is a BIG mess."
As I cleaned up ME's very big mess, she was saying, "ooooo" and smiling. How can I stay mad at her long?
Micah was talking to his Dad and said, "When I get biggest I am going to go home and get my swim suit on and then go to Sea World and give shamu lots of fishes."
Micah was waltzing back to the table during dinner and said, "Hey Mom, why does Dad get adult drinks and I don't?" I replied, "Because he is an adult and you aren't." Micah didn't miss a beat. He said, "No he isn't he is just DAD."
In playing Frisbee tonight, Micah said, "Momma you play very, very well." Then I threw the Frisbee over the fence and he said, "Momma you are really, really bad at this. Maybe Dad should just play with us."
ME just brought me my water bottle and said, "Momma Momma."
I gave ME a metal bowl and a wooden spoon. I was teaching her how to play drums with it. I know I am insane. Yet, the girl in her came out and she turned it around and started stirring a make believe mix of some sort....no drums for her!
Friday, 17 September 2010
I had one of those conversations last week. I couldn't explain my conviction on trusting God in a particular area.
*This may be a post that is way too much information for some of you. You may want to stop reading*
I was talking to a very sweet friend who had great intentions. She just made me really think.
Mark and I fell under conviction 5 years ago that God was asking us to trust him with our fertility. It was somewhat easy then. We had 3 children and wanted more...then we lost twins. We had to believe that God had a plan--a perfect plan. So, once again we made the conscious decision to trust Him even if it hurt.
Now fast forward and we have two more precious children. It is harder to "want" more children when already you are up all day chasing little ones, homeschooling bigger ones and trying to find solitude in the clutter of everyday life. Yet, the question come screaming at me. Do I trust God? Do I believe Him to know what is best? Why not use birth control? Why not use timing methods?
So, in my quest to work this thing out one more time (will probably go through this again) I am blogging my thoughts.
Question 1: Do I trust God? I would like to think that I do, but really it scares me. I am worried about my health, getting fat and the plain mechanics of running a full house with pregnancy and a newborn. Yet, faith is believing the unseen things of God. My verse for 2010 has been Prov. 3: 5-6. So, in order to live out that verse...I lean not on my own understanding. I believe God to be huge in all things including the size of my family.
Question 2: Do I believe him to know what is best? Psalms 139 says He knew me while I was in my Momma's womb. He knows my sitting down and getting up. He creates in me a clean heart. He is GOD. Really if I was honest with myself, pride is what brings this question to my mind. God's desire is for me to be humble and trust in Him.
Question 3: Why not birth control? If God is the creator of life can't He work outside of birth control? I totally believe God can work through all circumstances. So, why don't we use birth control? This could be a huge post on its own. So, suffice it to say that this is a moral decision that we have made. I know the level of defenses of certain birth controls. I probably should add that I am HUGELY pro-life. Life begins as soon as the sperm hits the egg. Therefore certain birth control methods go against my core beliefs. Plus, you add question 1 into the mix and it equals trust.
Question 4: Why not timing methods? Well, the Bible is very clear that the only time one should abstain from sex is during a time of prayer. Therefore, if you choose to abstain then it should be for prayer only. Tough to swallow I know. Conviction is throughout Scripture on how marriages should work. Thankfully, God hasn't given up on me yet.
Mark and I had a recent conversation on this topic. I was taken back by what he said. Side note-I wholly believe in submitting to my husband. I thought he was walking down the road of "I think we have had enough." We fully were recognizing the sacrifices and the hardships. Then he said something that made me fall in love with him all over again. He said, "It scares me to death to have another baby. Yet, it scares me to not have one too."
See, if you really trust God then ultimately it is not what our heart says. The Bible is very clear about our heart being wicked above all things. It is about actively trusting God and obeying God in all things. For Mark, the love of children is abundant. Yet, that isn't even his motivation. He absolutely loves God and to show God he loves Him, he obeys Him. So, in trusting God we are obeying His plan for us.
To sum up this very long post, I had the conviction part settled then God added the blessing of Scripture. Today, in my personal devotional time, God blessed me with Ps 128:1-2.
So, I say all this to say...yep I am still believing in God. Trusting in God. Obeying God. For His blessings are far worth the sacrifice.
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Yet, my God was faithful to me today and hope and joy were restored.
In was during my lamenting to God that He blessed me with some memories of rarely.
Rarely do I pick up the phone anymore to call my Mom. Yet, when I remember my conversations with my Mom joy and sometimes laughter comes.
Rarely do I see a yellow butterfly. Yet, when I do the joy is much greater.
Rarely do I smell smoke. Yet, when I do I am reminded of how precious life is.
Rarely do I meet her in my dreams anymore. Yet, I see her in my daughter.
Rarely do I hear her sing hymns or laugh. Yet, I hear her in my children.
Rarely is grief and reality fair. Yet, my God is righteous and sovereign in all things.
Monday, 6 September 2010
It if found in Psalms 90:12, " Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."
Sounds simple doesn't it. He is to teach us. Unfortunately for me, I have had to retake this class several times.
I am in the mist of trying to figure out what priorities I live out. Do I live what I say I believe? Do I work at it? Does my decisions take the shape of my priorities? Um...tough questions huh?
They are for me. Since Mark is gone, I have made for myself a buffet of excuses. I can pick and choose several. They are good and truthful excuses, but they are still excuses for not getting stuff done.
So, as I sit here and contemplate my priorities am I allowing God to number my day? To try and get a handle on my over achiever to do list, I am making a daily list of 3 priorities that I would like to achieve.
This may sound easy, but when you have Awanas and gymnastics in one day I only have a spot for one more thing. So, is it school? Or is it an errand that needs to be ran? In doing this exercise for a week, I have realized that I have put too much into a day.
No wonder I am begging God for rest. He has been screaming at me to number my day and He would give me a heart of wisdom.
Praying that you gain a heart of wisdom through allowing God to restructure your schedule.