The Ache

What a crazy week! I had many emotions and thoughts swirling around me.  I knew God was calling me to lean into Him. As I leaned into my Abba, grief came over me like a summer rain.

Grief has a weird way to show its ugly head.  Grief gives you no fair warning.  Grief barges in when least expected or wanted.  Yet, grief must be entertained in order for healing to be completed.

I had those moments this week.  I thought I was at peace with losing Grace Jubilee.  I thought I was content with whatever God has in store for my family. What an ugly awakening!  I realized that I still physically ached for my baby.  My chest cries out for my sweet newborn to lay upon.  I deeply desire to hear and feel my sweet baby breathe and grunt.  The ache is real. 

I took time this week to grieve again too remember what I truly lost. I cried. I journaled.  I mourned.  I was honest with God and myself.  I grieved and allowed God to heal my wound.

In remembering what I lost, I become thankful for what I have.  Life is precious whether you are a few days in utero or a few days away from 100. 

Miscarriage is hard.  Miscarriage brings me to my knees.  Miscarriage keeps me humble.

The ache I feel won't be fixed.  It is just a reminder that this earth is not my home.  I am just passing by.  Someday, my Abba will heal my ache and I will those precious babies and their fullness in Christ.

Time--Friend or Foe?

Blogging gets harder and harder with the new technology.  It took me five minutes just to figure out how to get back to this page.  I think I signed Kaleb out of every thing. We are in such a fast pace life.  We rush to get everywhere.  We have meals ready in minutes, washing machines that can wash 20+ towels, dishwashers that fit a days worth of dishes....yet we don't use our 'extra' time wisely. 

Time ticks by at the same rate every day.  Yet, some days rush by and others drag. We cannot control time.  Time in essence controls us.  I watch the clock for meal times, bed times, awake times, screen times. I watch the calendar for school starting, birthdays, Mark's much awaited homecoming and holidays.  Time is either my enemy or my friend.  It is definitely a love/hate relationship.

Each day time ticks by something amazing happens.  My children grow taller, wiser, and  smarter.  When I rush time I miss all of that growing up.  I have to learn to embrace each of these beautiful, hard moments before I spend my life watching time pass me by.

How can I embrace time and enjoy the hard, crazy, loving moments of my life?  Kaleb taught me.  In a deep conversation with my son, he realized that Facebook was capturing valuable time. In an instant, he deleted Facebook from his phone.  Quickly the Spirit spoke to my heart.  I needed to delete Facebook from my phone as well.  It was taking my time and making me wish moments away.  When life is too hard or it gets too crazy in my head or in my home, I went straight to Facebook.

It was my escape.

Not anymore...

When life gets crazy, I turn to God. 

 He is my anchor not this world. 

 He teaches me how to be still in quiet pastures

.  He stills my soul and restores me.

He quiets my heart.

 

 

Be still and know that I AM God. Psalms 46:10