The Ache

What a crazy week! I had many emotions and thoughts swirling around me.  I knew God was calling me to lean into Him. As I leaned into my Abba, grief came over me like a summer rain.

Grief has a weird way to show its ugly head.  Grief gives you no fair warning.  Grief barges in when least expected or wanted.  Yet, grief must be entertained in order for healing to be completed.

I had those moments this week.  I thought I was at peace with losing Grace Jubilee.  I thought I was content with whatever God has in store for my family. What an ugly awakening!  I realized that I still physically ached for my baby.  My chest cries out for my sweet newborn to lay upon.  I deeply desire to hear and feel my sweet baby breathe and grunt.  The ache is real. 

I took time this week to grieve again too remember what I truly lost. I cried. I journaled.  I mourned.  I was honest with God and myself.  I grieved and allowed God to heal my wound.

In remembering what I lost, I become thankful for what I have.  Life is precious whether you are a few days in utero or a few days away from 100. 

Miscarriage is hard.  Miscarriage brings me to my knees.  Miscarriage keeps me humble.

The ache I feel won't be fixed.  It is just a reminder that this earth is not my home.  I am just passing by.  Someday, my Abba will heal my ache and I will those precious babies and their fullness in Christ.