We found out we were pregnant with our 9th pregnancy on January 30th. Mark and I were so excited! He could barely hold in his excitement! We told our children and they were jumping with glee (as well as ones with a yucky stomach virus could jump)!
Mark and I both believe that life begins at conception. We also believe very strongly that every life has purpose regardless of how long they live. Therefore, we tell everyone we are pregnant from the beginning because we want the life of our child to be validated. Sometimes it is really hard to be transparent. This is one of those times. By the time we told everyone we were pregnant, we had lost our sweet babies. Yet, God still had a purpose for my sweet babies.
Now back to the journey....
Shortly after I found we were pregnant I began to have dreams that we were having twins. I began to accept the hunch that we were having twins. I even told my doctor, children, husband and friends.
As time went by symptoms of my pregnancy didn't increase. Then I began think that I was going to have a miscarriage. I began to quote Scripture and pray for God to be BIG. In times that I do not know how to pray, I always pray for God to be BIG! God told me in my spirit that He was going to be BIG through this situation. He said to my spirit that He was going to do something no human could explain. I held onto that truth because that truth is my life line!
A few days later I began to spot. I am so grateful God allowed Mark to be home before I had to go to the hospital. At the hospital, we found out that we did indeed have 2 sacs. Sadly, neither one of them had a heartbeat. I knew that we had lost our babies...again. I began to cry. When we received my blood test results of the HCG level, hormone made while pregnant, it was low. So, we knew for sure
that God had our sweet babies.
That night I cried all night long. I would wake up and I would be crying in my sleep. I ached for my babies. When Mary-Elizabeth woke up that night and came to my bed, I held her tightly.
The tough part was yet to come. We had to tell our children and our family. There is no easy way of telling people that you have lost your babies.
The Children were extremely sad. They didn't want anymore siblings in heaven. They had 3 previous to this loss.
On Monday, Mark and I decided to pray for a miracle. We knew that it would take faith. Faith would mean opening ourselves up to grieving all over again. So, I prayed a very powerful, heart felt prayer. I prayed for God to heal my babies. I also prayed that if he chose not to heal them then he needed to take care of my heart. I was choosing to "Be still and know that He is God."
Tuesday came and we went back to my doctor. My doctor told me that we probably lost our babies. He did some blood work to confirm and would call me later on in the day.
Mark and I decided to pick out some Willow tree babies for our shelf. We also decided to celebrate the lives of our babies. We celebrated their birth in heaven. We celebrated the fact that we will be able to see them again. We celebrated the fact that all they know is perfect love.
We named our twins Mercy and Malachi. I always thought they were boy/girl twins. Malachi means my messenger and Mercy means compassion. Together they are God's message to me of His compassion.
When you stop to look at the situation and ask the "WHY" question, you get a few glimpses into who God is. God also lost His son to a most terrible pain--the sin of the world. God freely gave up his son for me. God knows pain. He knows heartache. He just knows. He knows my pain. He knows my heart. He will fight for me if ONLY I give up to Him.
My prayer for God to protect my heart came through with an peace and joy. I rejoiced in the fact that my twins are safe. I have a peace that God has a plan for me too. My prayer now is that God will use my pain for His glory.
I am praying for healing. I am praying for God to be HUGE!
The Lord will fight for you;
you need only to be still.
Exodus 14: 14
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