At times, fear grips the inner part of my soul and won't let go. I hate it about myself, but it is very true. Fear turns into anxiety which leads to being easily angered, frustrated and all around hard to live with. I fear the unknown when I know something can go wrong. I never feared having a miscarriage until I did. I never feared having a c-section until Micah wouldn't turn in the right position. I never feared bed rest until the doctor discussed it with me as a real possibility.
Fear can control my every step. For example, throughout Micah's labor he was in the sunny side position or crooked in the birth canal. It was a tough time getting him down the canal. I feared the impending c-section so much that I actually would hit my epidural drip to give me more meds for fear of 'feeling' the section like one of my friends. It made me sick. In fact, I was so over drugged and didn't need it that I began to vomit. Getting sick actually put Micah into the right position and he was born fairly shortly after the incident. I was thankful that God utilized my fear for Micah's and mine benefit. Fear makes you make dumb decisions.
So, here I am again 28 weeks pregnant and faced with unknown circumstances. Fear grips me at times. Fear of what could happen in a pregnancy that has been unpredictable since the beginning. Some fears are normal yet not Biblical. Where we live the chances are higher for a premature delivery, smaller birth rate and blue colored babies. Yep, stuff I have not faced yet. Not to mention the effects of having high blood pressure. The next few weeks are filled with doctor appts. just for me. Not to mention taking the plates and pins out of Kaleb's knee. Plus, we have the privilege of adding a wedding, two birthday parities and family visiting us in July. Not knowing how much I am gonna be able to participate in the activities can make this control freak Momma a total freak.
So, by now you know that not knowing is tough for me. So, what can I do? Well, like most times that I am scared, I can run and hide in the shadow of the wings of my Abba Father. He truly loves me and desires the best for me. I can trust in Him. One physical thing I can do is to quote Scripture when I am afraid. One that I am clinging to is in the book of John 14:27:
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid."
So, my God tells me that I can trust him. He also tells me in Philippians 1:27, "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ." To live in fear would be against God's desire for me. So, I must lay down my fear at the cross of Jesus and claim His peace. On various days, I might need to do this more often. It is time to believe the voice of truth and walk out on the water. I must keep my eyes on the King of Kings, my God, my Abba!
When all is said and done I want to be like Timothy in 2 Timothy 4:7, " I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the FAITH!
I went to the doctor on Wednesday. My blood pressure was excellent. My pulse is erratic and high. So I am back on meds per my request for a better night rest without my heart racing. Thus far it hasn't worked, but we will wait and see. My uterus size is right on target. Normally I measure larger, but this is a different pregnancy. The doctor listened intently to me and believes that if we can control the pulse than maybe I can go to Texas in June for the wedding. He was much more hopeful! I have a sonogram on Monday to help us see how Mary-Elizabeth is handling the pregnancy. So, I will update you again. Then I go back in 2 weeks to the doctor for another blood pressure check. I wouldn't be surprised if he makes me come every 2 weeks until he is settled on how my body will respond to the 3rd trimester. 12 Weeks LEFT! 84 days!
Trying to Keep the Faith,