Darkness

I didn't know what to expect when I was pregnant with my first son, Kaleb. I was amazed at how elated I was and how good I felt. Until that frightful day, I was sick and it would not go away. It lasted for about 28 weeks. The days gradually got better, but the nights were still horrible. It was a dark time in my life. I hated that I could not make my bed, cook dinner, or even be the wife my husband deserved! It was a dark time in my life and my marriage. It was by the grace of God that we survived those weeks.


The next pregnancy was not easy, but easier and I could deal with it better. I thought I had the 'hang' of this thing. Joshua came and it was a cinch for the most part. Stephen, my 3rd pregnancy, was hard but manageable. I was on good drugs and they worked!


My fourth pregnancy was tough, but loosing the twins was tougher. So, the 'morning sickness' was overshadowed by great sorrow and despair.


Micah, my fifth pregnancy, was easy compared to the later. I did get sick the last part of the 1st trimester, but I was glad to be with child.


Now, I am pregnant for the sixth time. 'It has been tough' is an understatement. I have lived in a deep darkness since December. I am just starting to see light.


In the darkness, I was left to my self. Not a good thing. I was stuck with laying on the couch or laying in bed. I was glad to sleep--it was my relief from the complete nausea and headache from the high blood pressure. I was in utter dismay.


I lost all my 'normalcy!' ---I know normal is just a setting on the dryer! Anyways, I didn't do anything normal anymore. I couldn't change a diaper without getting sick. I couldn't make dinner. I didn't make my bed! I was in complete darkness from my normal life. I no longer woke up before my family to spend quality time with my God. I no longer cleaned the house before my children stirred! I was not myself. I was living a life that was just trying to survive. To say I was miserable would be an understatement. I was living with myself and I didn't even like me.


Gratefully, God lives in the darkness. He walked with me in the fire. He kept whispering to me the miracle that was within me. He kept me focused on the prize.


Mark, was gracious and knew the awesomeness of the task. He gave me the gift of time to make it through the darkness. He took over all the roles and worked from home to make sure I was okay! Then he had his Mom come out and help. She made dinner, washed clothes and watched grand kids as I began to slowly heal.


My darkness was only a portion of my life. It was overwhelming. It brought me to the core of who I was. I realized that I was horrible without God. My good works were like 'filthy rags'. It made me realize the power of grace and the gift it is to all who accept it. I was amazed at how vast God loves me and my family. I was grateful for His care of my family. I cried out to God and He heard my cry for help.

A verse that has brought comfort since my Mother's death is Psalms 71: 20-21.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again, from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again."

"He restores my soul." Psalms 23:3

Also, I was reminded of a quote my Mother use to say during tough times. She was an optimistic person about people, life and old houses. She could always find the good. She use to say that the darkest night would be followed by the brightest morning. She was right. The darkness of the beginning of this pregnancy has ended in the brightest morning. I can feel the baby faintly. I hear the joy in the boys' voices over their elation of having another baby. I see the sparkle in Mark's eyes as he talks of holding this baby and loving this precious one. I remember what an awesome task that I have been given as well as 'my gift' from God.