The Ache

What a crazy week! I had many emotions and thoughts swirling around me.  I knew God was calling me to lean into Him. As I leaned into my Abba, grief came over me like a summer rain.

Grief has a weird way to show its ugly head.  Grief gives you no fair warning.  Grief barges in when least expected or wanted.  Yet, grief must be entertained in order for healing to be completed.

I had those moments this week.  I thought I was at peace with losing Grace Jubilee.  I thought I was content with whatever God has in store for my family. What an ugly awakening!  I realized that I still physically ached for my baby.  My chest cries out for my sweet newborn to lay upon.  I deeply desire to hear and feel my sweet baby breathe and grunt.  The ache is real. 

I took time this week to grieve again too remember what I truly lost. I cried. I journaled.  I mourned.  I was honest with God and myself.  I grieved and allowed God to heal my wound.

In remembering what I lost, I become thankful for what I have.  Life is precious whether you are a few days in utero or a few days away from 100. 

Miscarriage is hard.  Miscarriage brings me to my knees.  Miscarriage keeps me humble.

The ache I feel won't be fixed.  It is just a reminder that this earth is not my home.  I am just passing by.  Someday, my Abba will heal my ache and I will those precious babies and their fullness in Christ.

Time--Friend or Foe?

Blogging gets harder and harder with the new technology.  It took me five minutes just to figure out how to get back to this page.  I think I signed Kaleb out of every thing. We are in such a fast pace life.  We rush to get everywhere.  We have meals ready in minutes, washing machines that can wash 20+ towels, dishwashers that fit a days worth of dishes....yet we don't use our 'extra' time wisely. 

Time ticks by at the same rate every day.  Yet, some days rush by and others drag. We cannot control time.  Time in essence controls us.  I watch the clock for meal times, bed times, awake times, screen times. I watch the calendar for school starting, birthdays, Mark's much awaited homecoming and holidays.  Time is either my enemy or my friend.  It is definitely a love/hate relationship.

Each day time ticks by something amazing happens.  My children grow taller, wiser, and  smarter.  When I rush time I miss all of that growing up.  I have to learn to embrace each of these beautiful, hard moments before I spend my life watching time pass me by.

How can I embrace time and enjoy the hard, crazy, loving moments of my life?  Kaleb taught me.  In a deep conversation with my son, he realized that Facebook was capturing valuable time. In an instant, he deleted Facebook from his phone.  Quickly the Spirit spoke to my heart.  I needed to delete Facebook from my phone as well.  It was taking my time and making me wish moments away.  When life is too hard or it gets too crazy in my head or in my home, I went straight to Facebook.

It was my escape.

Not anymore...

When life gets crazy, I turn to God. 

 He is my anchor not this world. 

 He teaches me how to be still in quiet pastures

.  He stills my soul and restores me.

He quiets my heart.

 

 

Be still and know that I AM God. Psalms 46:10

The Road Marked with Tears and Hope

Written by Kaleb

Losing a sibling is unlike any pain I have ever experienced. It’s not like when you lose a loved one that has been on this earth. Because if you lose a loved one that you’ve known then you can cherish the memories. You cannot do that with a miscarriage. With a miscarriage, it’s a whole different ball game. The only thing you have of them is a hope of what might have been. The hope of seeing their first bite of food, their first tooth, or their first time to hear music when all of these are takin away, all your left with is a hope of what might have been. What could have been their favorite song, what would have been their favorite color, what would have they looked like.

My pain is deep. It is a pain I cannot explain with a simple word. I’m angry at God for taking them away from me. I mad because I don’t understand why he would not allow another child into my family. I’m hurt because a part of me is gone and I cannot get it back. I want to cry but no tears come. I tell myself that time will heal, but how long will it take?

But through all this pain I still have hope and joy. I know they are in a better place. I know God has a plan and that this will turn to good. I know that one day all my family will be united in heaven. I love you Joshua, Stephen, Hezekiah, Zachariah, Micah, Mary-Elizabeth, Faithful, Rebekah, Malachi, Mercy, Faith, and Grace. I love you all and I cannot wait until we are all united together in Heaven.

Hidden Emotions

The spotlight beamed upon the solo dancer and her dark stage. Then a solemn song sprang from the speaker and the dance came to life. Her moves were low to the floor, her face had no expression, and her back was hunched. The mournful story had the audience captivated in silence that no one dared to break. Then a small tone in the music changed, and magic filled the air. The dancer’s eyes sparkled, her moves became higher and lighter, and her back straighten. The crowd was mesmerized. As the music changed so did the atmosphere, the room that once seemed filled of sorrow and pain, was now filled with joy and magic. The dancer came to life. She leaped across the floor with such grace and accuracy it appeared she could fly. When the music ended the auditorium burst with thunderous applause, for the dance had touched them all in different ways.  As the crowd left the auditorium all was silent for each person pondered the hidden emotion that the dance had uncovered.

Kaleb

Growth--Is It An Option?

Today I am struggling.  I had a small little one who struggled in sleeping last night. So, I am TIRED.  However, I have been waiting to share with you a little nugget that God shared with me.  First, I had to share it with my Sunday School class. I am so excited to write out my thoughts.  I sure hope you enjoy it too!

I am presently reading 2 Corinthians.  God has spoken to me through each chapter of Corinthians.  I have been amazed at how much I have missed in my previous readings of Corinthians. 

Anyways, one verse really stood out in chapter 7 verse 1.

"Therefore, dear friends, since we have such promises,

let us cleanse ourselves from every impurity of the flesh and spirit,

completing our sanctification in the fear of God."

 

Let's break down this verse.  First, we are all friends.  We have closer friends and friends we can pal around with.  We have friends to chat about the things of God.  We are dear to each other.  Together, we make up the body of Christ.  We need to remember that we are all vital partners in our journey.  We NEED each other.  I need you and you need me.  We are friends.

 

Second, we have promises.  We have the previous promise spoken in chapter 6:16.  God will dwell in us.  He will be our God.  Next, we must cleanse ourselves from our sins.  How?  We ask for forgiveness then we make retribution as needed.  When we ask God to create a new heart within us, He is faithful (Psalm 51:10)

 

Now we are getting to the eye opening part for me.  In doing some research, I learned that "completing our sanctification in the fear of God" means that we must grow in Holiness.  It is not an option.  Once, we are "saved" then growing in holiness is not an option. Did you get that?  We must grow.  We must find ways to make spiritual growth a part of her daily life. 

 

How are you growing?  What steps are you taking?  How are you helping your children to grow? 

 

Remember it is not an option. 

 

"Mankind, He has told you what is good

and what it is the Lord requires of you:

to act justly,

to love faithfulness,

and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

 

 



2015

As I was sitting at my well loved table watching the snow come softly down, I began to listen to my Abba. He impressed upon me the deep need to write again. He has given me such a burning desire to write and share my heart and sometimes I allow my crazy life and fears to block me from sharing my heart.

He has taught volumes to me this year--mainly in this last month.  I cannot even sum up into words what my heart feels this cold January day.  I am in awe of the God who has called me His own.

As much as I am not one to write New Year's Resolutions, I do have a few that I am challenged to accomplish.  I would like to blog at least twice a week.  I have several blog posts that I feel compelled to write and share.  So, grab your warm drink, your fuzzy slippers, and let us encourage one another.

I am starting this year with a renewed desire to write what God has taught me.  How will you begin your year?  What are your goals this year?