There will be days like this my Momma said....

This blog may never be published. For in this blog, my deepest sorrow will come fourth or maybe it is my deepest weakness.

This has been a tough week these past few days. There is an old song that says, "There will be days like this my Momma said...." She was right. Everyone has a breaking point and they break and then they are made whole. Well, this is my breaking moment and hopefully by sharing my whole moment is not to far away.


The whole episode on Thursday night was enough. Then you add on Stephen's illness to topple me over! Nope that did not do it. Um....Micah cutting all four of his back teeth at the same time? Not so much fun, but didn't do it. Maybe it was that I tossed all of my cookies on Saturday and in the process broke several blood vessels and ended up throwing up blood. Nope...kinda getting use to that. Maybe it was on Sunday when Mark began to get sick and then he proceeded to get really sick and now is in the doctor's office getting fluids for dehydration. Nope, I was handling our Sunday schedule and my awful sore throat.


Oh, I know what it was...it was when the Doctor called and said that our baby has markers for down syndrome that I lost it. Our sweet baby has a greater probability than just my normal age probability for down syndrome, which really doesn't scare me except that it does. So, I decided to do a 'high-tech' sonogram that looks for markers before the big needle in the stomach with not so delightful, albeit small chance, side effects. I would love my child unconditionally and be grateful for such a gift. So, why is it bothering me?


Well, sometimes I can withstand a bunch of pressure like a building during a hurricane. Then a fly lands on the building and down came fly, building and all. That was me this last night and today. Down I came tears and all.


I just cried and cried last night. In fact, I cried so hard that I now have a sinus infection above my right cheek. Yep, I finally let go of all my emotions. Oh how I miss my Mom. She would make it alright just by the sound of her voice. I obviously didn't cry enough last night because the tears flow as I write the words of my heart.


I know God is ever present and His word sustains my life--my every breath. I also know that I have experienced and lived through much worse. Yet, today it is getting to me. I have no one to blame and no one to yell at or get mad at. It is just stuff that happens. Albeit, I would prefer to have stuff happen through out a longer period of time and not within 4 days.


I hurt today. I hurt for myself because I have no answers on the condition of my heart. I hurt for my husband because he is very ill and his wife isn't very understanding. I hurt for my children because they want to understand what is going on and I have no patience to explain. I hurt for my sweet blessing within me because I can't protect him/her from the dangers of this world nor this body. Today I hurt.


Tomorrow the sun will come up and I will be better. In fact, I bet I will be great because hurting today allows me to get out my emotions and then focus on the facts of the situation...which really isn't that bad.


Though weeping my last through the night, joy will come in the morning.


By the way, I couldn't see the doctor today because of a glitch with the doctors offices. I am suppose to go tomorrow..we will see. Nope they just called. I go on Wednesday. So much for the 72 hour stat I was told. Ugh!