In my family of 7, we have meltdowns on a daily basis. No one is immune to these meltdowns. They just look different depending on your age. Micah portrays his meltdowns in the usual 2 year old way...screaming, kicking and all around unpleasantness. Stephen whines and puckers his lips. Joshua cries silently and has begun to scream at his siblings (the normal catalyst of a meltdown). Kaleb gets frustrated and begins to be rough to his younger siblings.
Now I bet you didn't know that Mark and I have our meltdowns too! They can be somewhat disguised by rude behavior and even a really loud voice. Every now and then you may see some tears come out of the meltdown.
Not to long ago while Mark was gone for a week, I fell apart. In reality I don't think I have ever come back together again. I basically had a freaking out moment of panic that lasted longer than it ever should have.
My lips puckered like Stephen. I began to cry hard like Micah. I was rude to those around me like Kaleb. I was even caught screaming a time or two like Joshua. The catalyst for my meltdown--fear.
To be bluntly honest I am scared. God is asking me to walk out on the water. I don't want to go. I want to stay in my comfort zone. I have no desire to taste life on the other side of my boat. For lack of a better word, I threw a temper tantrum absolutely huge out of control fit.
So, what brings me to confess all this to you. Well, I realized it is a lack of faith. Okay that was easy. Well, sort of , kind of easy...it is deeper than those words. The tide of unbelief took pride and idolatry with it. I had huge problems and my physical behavior was exhibiting it. So, here I am confessing it to the entire world or at least those few of you who read my blog.
I confess that I don't have it all together. I am not always nice to my husband or my children. I am not always waking up in the morning and spending my first fruits with God. I am not being who I know I want to be. I am being selfish, prideful and all around annoying. I don't ever complete my to do list. I have issues with perfectionism. My children do fight on a regular basis. I do have unkept floors and no my children don't have matching Christmas pajamas. Not to mention that I have not even done my Christmas shopping. Oh, I might as well tell you that there are days that I forget to brush my teeth until lunch time. How is that for confession?
Now that is over I would love to share with you what I learned through this long process. First of all, I learned that meltdowns were okay. I kept most of the anguish inside my heart and wouldn't let it out. My sister, who happened to call in the middle of the crying part, reassured me that it was okay for me to cry and let it out and to be HONEST with myself.
Second, I learned that I need to teach my children how to handle their meltdowns. So, I guess I better learn how to handle mine.
Third, I learned that peace comes to those who find complete satisfaction in God. I know it is easier said than done. In my Bible study, I was suppose to write down some times in my life that peace transcended my understanding. I began to think about peace and difficult situations. I came up with three different times in the last 4 years that God's peace transcended my understanding.
The first situation was when my loving husband went through a mentally tough time. God had me on my knees regularly praying for deliverance. Through all the 'junk', I was at peace with my God and my rocky situation. oh, God delivered my husband from his mental anguish and taught me valuable lessons in the process.
The second situation was when my Momma was in ICU and dying. She fought hard to live and she did for another 3 years. She fought not with weapons of this world but with the weapon of God's Holy Word. I will never forget her quoting Psalm 23 with a tube in her mouth. She didn't miss one beat. My sister and I couldn't remember the lines at the end because emotion overcame our broken hearts. Yet, I still had peace because His word sustained me.
The third situation is when we lost our two babies at 8 weeks and 18 weeks gestation. I couldn't breathe at times because the pain was so gut wrenching, but I never loss the peace that God was in control.
All three of theses situations have something in common. I was obedient to God and gave Him control of my life and trusted Him. How did I stay that way? I read the Living Word and allowed it to become living and active within me.
So, where am I going? I am going back to being a woman of prayer who is grounded in the Word and trusting that the God who has never failed me yet will remain faithful through it all. For He is faithful even when I meltdown. Now to hold on to His truths and teach them to the next generation--my children!