Lessons Learned....

He's a good man.  He was just scared or maybe he was disillusioned.  Or maybe he was protecting his family or preserving his marriage.  Maybe he just plain forgot.

I will never really understand why my father decided to not be apart of my life. It doesn't make sense.  It is not how God intended it to be.  It wasn't for my best. 

The plain truth is that sin stinks!  Another plain truth is that sin often affects everyone within a 100 mile radius. 

I was conceived out of wedlock.  In fact, I was a product of an affair between a secretary and her boss.  Oh, the boss offered to marry the pretty secretary, but the secretary knew it would never last. 

Love is depth, not passion.

The difference between the secretary and the boss is the secretary lived with her gift from their mistake.  She saw how reconciliation, forgiveness and ownership could change lives. 

It did.

It changed me.

My mother never regretted me.  She never made me feel ugly or unwanted. 

She made me feel loved and cherished. I was her precious gift amidst a tough circumstance.

My father chose to honor his family and keep his marriage intact.  That is a honorable choice, but not the right one.  From the beginning, God wanted us to choose reconciliation.  His desire has always been for all the wrongs to be made right.

My father chose a different path. 

I have always prayed for reconciliation.

So now that my father has passed away and in all intents and purposes I have had my reconciliation through a dream (see previous post), what now?

How do you grieve over a dream, over a vision, over a life that is gone? How do you honor your father?  Where do I go from here.

Well, I am only 28 hours into this process and I really can't answer those questions in my own wisdom. 

So, I went to the place of wisdom--God's holy word!

Here is a list of what God has taught me through His word in this difficult chapter of my life.

1. I should honor my father.  In this circumstance, honoring my father is to respect his wishes.  He wanted his family to be protected from the truth of my existence.  He wanted to protect them from his past. Therefore, I have chosen to leave well enough alone. I have no plans for flowers, cards or well wishes.  I did not attend the funeral. I have not ran his name across facebook and defaced who he is.

Honor your father and your mother.... Exodus 20:12

 

 

2. Regardless of the way I came about, I was created for a purpose.



 

 I am fearfully and wonderfully made...Psalm 139:14

 

3.  The only thing that can help me keep my attitude in check is the Word of God. Some days I would really like to give some people a piece of my mind!

 

For the Word of God is living and active...

it judges the thoughts and attitudes

of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

 

4.  I need to keep my thought life on the things of Christ. It would be so easy to focus on all my inadequacies and why I am not acceptable. It would also be easy to focus on what I have missed and not what I have.

 

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,

 whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent

 or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

 

5. Last thing I have gleamed from Scripture is that God heals the broken hearted. He ears my cries and He and only He can fill the brokenness that has come forth because of the emptiness that not having a dad can bring.

 

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth

and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you

 and not be silent.  O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

 Psalm 30:11-12

 





  I am so blessed that I am able to call the God of the Universe, my Abba.

... you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry Abba, Father.

Romans 8:15



My Mom

Two years ago today, my Mom passed away from this world to a world of no more pain or suffering. I am grateful to God that He took her to a place of complete freedom. However, I must be honest I still miss her. This morning I was pondering this day two years ago.

I would like to share with you my side of that day. It is more or less a journaling experience for me. I never want to forget what I felt that day. My desire is to remember so that I may empathize with others in their grief. I want to be able to help others by sharing my own experience.

We knew Momma was sick. However, she normally called to tell us good-bye if she was struggling to breathe. We had no phone call. In fact, in my talk with Mom the night before she was emotional. She was ready for me to be back in Texas. She wanted me to come home. We said our last goodbyes and I never knew it.

The next day I was a bit anxious all day. I had no good reason for being anxious, but I was. I couldn't figure out what had me so out of whack. I tried calling Mom all day long, but no answer. This was not completely unusual if Mom was having a bad day. So, that night I called my sister to see if she had heard from Mom. It was during that conversation that my step-dad called.

His words to me were loud and clear. "Susan, she's gone." I could hear tears and utter helplessness. Immediately, I called my sister and told her to go to Mom's that she was dead. I didn't use any nice words. I didn't cover it up for my children. In fact, they found out that their Granny had died by me screaming to my sister. I was a mess. The next few hours are a bit of a blur. I know I cried and screamed and yelled out for my heart was breaking.

Mark was working that night. A friend brought him home. He walked through the door and I once again began to wail and fell into Mark's arms. His friend came in and played with the boys.

My Mom was gone. I wanted to be there when she left this world and into the next. I wanted to know how she died. I wanted answers.

They never came. I had to put my trust in God and believe that He was with Mom in her last moments here on earth.

Two years later the pain is less than it was. I don't cry out anymore. I don't scream. I just keep going and thank God for the small reminders of my Mom. He allows me to see her in my children and even in myself at times. I am grateful to have had her for 33 years of my life.

So, today two years later, I am reflecting on lessons my Mom taught me. So, here are a few of them that came to my mind today.

1. She taught me to be honest regardless of the consequences.

2. She taught and showed me unconditional love.

3. She showed me what hope looks like in the mist of complete chaos.

4. She taught me how to fight and do what is right regardless of the pressure around you.

5. She showed me how to work out my Salvation with fear and trembling.

6. She taught me the power of prayer.

7. She held her possessions loosely and her family tightly.

8. She showed me the blessing of forgiveness.

9. She taught me the blessing of giving all that you have to the God of all.

10. She taught me the purpose of Scripture.

Her children do rise and call her blessed.

Momma

My Momma passed away 6 months ago. Some days are hard to digest, but overall it is bad moments. Moments that are like a knife that pierce my heart and then slowly goes away. It is as if reality hits my rose colored perception of my life. However, in the darkest moments, hope is restored. God brings funny stories to mind. He reminds me of how Momma grew to glorify Him in all that she did especially through her long battle with COPD and asthma.

One of the greatest blessings I have is my mother's legacy. She has left a legacy like no other. She did not leave money or fame. In fact, she didn't leave much more than her cherished possessions. However, it is in those cherished possessions that her legacy is remembered. If you would be so kind, let me share a few of those possessions that brings me hope.

Diet Cokes, Pimento Cheese, Bologna, Bananas, Wieners, Fri toes-all of these items were a must for her 'champion diet'.

Bucket of broken china-nothing is ever broken so much that you can't put it back together.

Electric Wheelchair-Momma dancing with Stephen on her lap to music the boys were playing on the organ.

Let me set the scene: Jan. 2005-ICU-Mom on life support/ tube in mouth- Julie, my sister-me pregnant with Stephen. She knew the battle could only be fought with the word of God. She had Julie and I quote Ps. 23. Julie and I were so overcome with emotion that we could only go through a few of the verses, but Momma with tube in her mouth quoted the whole thing. Yes, she knew the power of God's word. It was obvious that she utilized that power often. Volumes spoken. Words barely heard.

Cigarettes-a battle she never found success with until she won the war. She continued to try to quit up until the day she was completely delivered. Makes the old saying 'try, try again' take on new meaning.

Yellow Butterflies-my mother's favorite color was yellow. She has many china paintings that my grandmother painted that are yellow. The story goes that as my Aunt cleaned the front porch of my grandmother's house the day she died several white butterflies flew up. One white butterfly remained around my Aunt and cousins' house until Momma died. Now there are two white butterflies. Now, I don't believe that my grandmother, Gan-Gan, or my Mother is a butterfly. I do believe that God gives us symbols of hope and love. So, for me, a yellow butterfly comes to see me almost daily. I just say hello Momma and go on with a smile. My sister has requested that the butterfly comes to see her, but we all know that I am my Mother's favorite. Ha! ha!


My mother was a Lady.

She was a Lady of Prayer. I lost my number one prayer partner who knows me and loves me more than life itself. She knew how to pray without asking because she knew me.

She was a Lady of gifts. We sure do miss our UPS man.

She was a Lady of laughter. As you can see in the picture.

She was a Lady of Hope. We have this hope (Christ) as an anchor for our souls. 2Cor 4:16-18: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

My last time with my Momma is forever stamped in my mind. The last phone call and her tears of wanting me to be near her still ring in my ear. Yet, she truly trusted God and His Sovereign will was what she wanted most. Her children will forever miss her. Babies are born. Birthdays are celebrated. Phone calls are missed. Holidays come and go. Yet, the legacy continues.

This I know and believe that as weeping my last for a night (a very long night) joy will come in the morning.