Mountains and Valleys

Lately, I have been in a valley. I don't know where I am going or when I will get to my final destination. All I know is this journey is arduous and bumpy. I am learning how to carve out time for my family in a busy world. I am learning how to take huge dosages of criticism at a time. I am learning to stand strong in what I believe. I am learning how to cry and let go. I am learning how to stay focus on the task ahead of me even though my heart is breaking. I am learning that God is with me every step of the way.

A few weeks ago, I went on a journey up the mountains. I learned a few things that has helped me in this valley. Once I made it up the mountain the view made me speechless. I know that once I climb up this spiritual mountain from this valley that the view will put everything into perspective. I also know from the view on the mountain that the valley is not that bad. It has places of ick, but it also has beauty.

So, as the real valley has beauty so does my spiritual valley. My goal is to seek out that beauty and ponder the Creator. My goal is to love the Lord regardless of what happens and to stick firmly to that which God has called me. Easier said than done I know. Sometimes in the valley we find our true friends. But even worse we see who we really are...sinners set free by a loving God.

In my recent valley, I have seen how strong I am. I have cried countless times...very hard for me. I have watched my children suffer--even harder. I have been anxious, angry, bitter, raging, and joyful. The best part is that I have been refined and made to be a better wife, mother, friend, sister and most certainly a better child of God. I have began to fall more in love with a God who adores me and calls me by name.

So, from my view....the valley is a beautiful creation...a bit painful at times, but definitely gorgeous.

Random Thoughts

A good friend of mine has been teasing me for awhile that we don't live in Colorado we live in Kansas. So, to prove her point she took me on a tour of the "real" Colorado. Just to fill you in on some details...together we have 7 kids ranging from the age of 1 to 11. One of us are very use to driving across country the other one not so much. One of us drive through the mountains multiple times in the year, one of us has never driven through the mountains. With the large numbers, we were both forced to drive our cars. I think you are seeing the picture...

As we drove to the mountains, through the woods and over the river, I had many random thoughts. So, here I go....

• 14 month olds do NOT like car seats. Everyone in both cars will back me up. A screaming child is no fun for no amount of time esspecially for hours upon hours.
• Even a driver can get sick to her stomach as she drives those curvy, drop off roads.
• 1 spilled drink during dinner out...not bad odds with 7 kids and one clumsy adult.
• A lake, some mud, a few dozen rocks and a plethora of worms are more fun than a park regardless of your age. (A side note...I did allow ME to play in the mud too.--I know absolutely shocking. I have proof though.)
• My children absolutely love hotel rooms.
• A freezing pool doesn't scare children who adore swimming.
• One small disagreement in a 37 hour period of time with 7 kids...the grace of God.

Bottom line after my journey to the mountains, my friend is right I live in Kansas.

Accomplishment

So as we close out our first deployment, albeit small deployment considering the sacrifices others make, I am feeling frustrated for not accomplishing more. The more I wanted to accomplish is way over the top--really it is! I wanted to finish 90 lessons of school for 2 of my children and 60 lessons for my new kindergarten kid. I also wanted to paint 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a playroom and a wall in the "great" room. I wanted to do all of this while raising my 5 children and continuing our very active life style.

So, now that I have stated all that I have yet to accomplish...let us see what I have accomplished in the last four months...(list style of course.)

• Drove from Florida to Texas all the way home with 5 children. No wrecks, no tickets and all 5 children arrived happy.
• Did a walk through on my new home.
• Closed on my new home.
• Moved into my new home and slept on the floor. Bought and moved 2 twin mattresses with box sets.
• Unpacked my new house.
• Get up with several small children throughout the night.
• Hung pictures on the wall.
• Homeschooled my 3 out of my 5 children for 2.5 months.
• Went through the entire process of braces with my 11 year old.
• Weaned my daughter.
• Worked out several anger issues.
• Read several books.
• Bathed many children.
• Sent numerous packages.
• Wiped countless tears.
• Changed endless beds.
• Said multiple prayers.

I truly stand in awe of any wife of a soldier who carries out deployments for years and years. I am eternally grateful for being able to have the strength to do that which God has called me to be-- Mark's wife and everything that encompasses.

Birthday Parties in Heaven?

The other day out of the blue Stephen asked me if the twins would have a birthday party in Heaven? The timing of his question couldn't have been more perfect. I was contemplating on how to "celebrate" their birthday this year on my blog. Last year I spoke about how God was faithful through the entire process.

This year I wanted to do something a bit more fun. I wanted to see them as they are in Heaven.

A friend suggested that I dream about the boys growing up in Heaven and blog. It is a different experience for the twins because they have been made perfect in death through Christ.

Here we go...

So, while my children on earth sit through Sunday school to learn more about Jesus, the twins sit with Jesus and learn.

While my children pretend to ride wild exotic animals, the twins might actually ride a lion, a giraffe, or an alligator on those golden streets. Maybe they are taking a ride on a Great White Shark. They could be flying on the back of a Bald Eagle. Whatever they are doing, I can almost hear their squeals.

While my children cry when they scrape their knees or when a day has gone poor, my twins know complete freedom to be who they were created to be without the fear of pain.

While my children listen to a cd of earthly, angelic melodies in order to go to sleep. My twins hear the true angelic music all around them as they rest.

While my children are being raised by earthly parents who mess up daily, my twins have perfection.

While my heart aches at the thought of my loss, my spirit rejoices. My sweet Zechariah and Hezekiah are in a place I can barely describe without getting giddy with excitement.

So, to answer Stephen I said, "Yes, I bet they are going to have the time of their lives." Because we all know there is a "Martha" in Heaven planning the biggest 4th birthday bash ever.

Happy Birthday Boys!

Burdens....

Today really stinks in many ways.

My friend and her two children are saying good-bye to her soldier as I write. He is back to fighting a hard, cruel war for another 6 months.

My sister's principal is a fabulous man who loves God and has given his life to following God by loving on children. He is presently on life support in ICU. He was healthy then he wasn't.

My sister in law's family friend died of a brain aneurysm last night. She went to the bathroom during a baseball game and never came out.

I have a friend who is struggling to trust God and have another baby after a miscarriage.

So, today I am weak. My burdens are high. My God is sufficient.

"My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made

perfect in weakness."

2 Cor. 12:9

Presently praying for God to be powerful in many lives....life is precious. Do we treat it as such?

Funny/Sweet Things My Children Say/Do

*I was cleaning my blog posts and found this particular post that was not posted. I laughed so hard that I had to share it with you. I hope you enjoy it too!*

This is why my world is always spinning.....children say the sweetest and funniest things.

Micah said, "Come come come to my service. There is a BIG mess."

As I cleaned up ME's very big mess, she was saying, "ooooo" and smiling. How can I stay mad at her long?

Micah was talking to his Dad and said, "When I get biggest I am going to go home and get my swim suit on and then go to Sea World and give shamu lots of fishes."

Micah was waltzing back to the table during dinner and said, "Hey Mom, why does Dad get adult drinks and I don't?" I replied, "Because he is an adult and you aren't." Micah didn't miss a beat. He said, "No he isn't he is just DAD."

In playing Frisbee tonight, Micah said, "Momma you play very, very well." Then I threw the Frisbee over the fence and he said, "Momma you are really, really bad at this. Maybe Dad should just play with us."

ME just brought me my water bottle and said, "Momma Momma."

I gave ME a metal bowl and a wooden spoon. I was teaching her how to play drums with it. I know I am insane. Yet, the girl in her came out and she turned it around and started stirring a make believe mix of some sort....no drums for her!

Trust & Obey

Regardless of how many verses I memorize, I sometimes forget about all of those when people ask me the hard questions.

I had one of those conversations last week. I couldn't explain my conviction on trusting God in a particular area.

*This may be a post that is way too much information for some of you. You may want to stop reading*

I was talking to a very sweet friend who had great intentions. She just made me really think.

Mark and I fell under conviction 5 years ago that God was asking us to trust him with our fertility. It was somewhat easy then. We had 3 children and wanted more...then we lost twins. We had to believe that God had a plan--a perfect plan. So, once again we made the conscious decision to trust Him even if it hurt.

Now fast forward and we have two more precious children. It is harder to "want" more children when already you are up all day chasing little ones, homeschooling bigger ones and trying to find solitude in the clutter of everyday life. Yet, the question come screaming at me. Do I trust God? Do I believe Him to know what is best? Why not use birth control? Why not use timing methods?

So, in my quest to work this thing out one more time (will probably go through this again) I am blogging my thoughts.

Question 1: Do I trust God? I would like to think that I do, but really it scares me. I am worried about my health, getting fat and the plain mechanics of running a full house with pregnancy and a newborn. Yet, faith is believing the unseen things of God. My verse for 2010 has been Prov. 3: 5-6. So, in order to live out that verse...I lean not on my own understanding. I believe God to be huge in all things including the size of my family.

Question 2: Do I believe him to know what is best? Psalms 139 says He knew me while I was in my Momma's womb. He knows my sitting down and getting up. He creates in me a clean heart. He is GOD. Really if I was honest with myself, pride is what brings this question to my mind. God's desire is for me to be humble and trust in Him.

Question 3: Why not birth control? If God is the creator of life can't He work outside of birth control? I totally believe God can work through all circumstances. So, why don't we use birth control? This could be a huge post on its own. So, suffice it to say that this is a moral decision that we have made. I know the level of defenses of certain birth controls. I probably should add that I am HUGELY pro-life. Life begins as soon as the sperm hits the egg. Therefore certain birth control methods go against my core beliefs. Plus, you add question 1 into the mix and it equals trust.

Question 4: Why not timing methods? Well, the Bible is very clear that the only time one should abstain from sex is during a time of prayer. Therefore, if you choose to abstain then it should be for prayer only. Tough to swallow I know. Conviction is throughout Scripture on how marriages should work. Thankfully, God hasn't given up on me yet.

Mark and I had a recent conversation on this topic. I was taken back by what he said. Side note-I wholly believe in submitting to my husband. I thought he was walking down the road of "I think we have had enough." We fully were recognizing the sacrifices and the hardships. Then he said something that made me fall in love with him all over again. He said, "It scares me to death to have another baby. Yet, it scares me to not have one too."

See, if you really trust God then ultimately it is not what our heart says. The Bible is very clear about our heart being wicked above all things. It is about actively trusting God and obeying God in all things. For Mark, the love of children is abundant. Yet, that isn't even his motivation. He absolutely loves God and to show God he loves Him, he obeys Him. So, in trusting God we are obeying His plan for us.

To sum up this very long post, I had the conviction part settled then God added the blessing of Scripture. Today, in my personal devotional time, God blessed me with Ps 128:1-2.

Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in His ways.

You will eat the fruit of your labor;

blessings and prosperity will be yours.

So, I say all this to say...yep I am still believing in God. Trusting in God. Obeying God. For His blessings are far worth the sacrifice.