The Cracked Mask

I am the living, breathing, walking definition of a church kid. I have finished all my AWANA books, was the king at Bible sword drills, and was there every time the doors opened.

I didn’t realize being raised in the church could make me immune to the Holy Spirit.

I knew all the answers Sunday school teacher would ask (thank you Veggie Tales); therefore, I didn’t put much effort in at home. The Bible knowledge I received was from my parents reading the Bible or other discipleship programs. I rarely tried to learn things on my own.

            Last week, I went to a summer camp and the Holy Spirit convicted me of not being the “Me” God had created. It was as clear as daylight that I had been wrong. So, what did I do when I got home? Yes, I slept, but after that I started diving into God’s word.

I started reading in Hebrews and truth started jumping out. In Hebrews 3-4, it talks about how we shouldn’t run when we hear God’s voice like others have done, but run towards Him. I have been running for a very long time and I’m tired. I always thought Jonah was crazy because he ran from God now I realize that I am Jonah.

            I know that on the outside I look like I am the “perfect” Christian who reads their Bible everyday…….but truth is I haven’t read my Bible in months and I don’t think I’ve actually studied it in a year. No joke. My eyes have been open through this camp experience.

            Today’s reading was in Hebrews 5-6 and it talked about the different food types of the Bible.

¹³ Now everyone who lives on milk is inexperienced with the message about righteousness, because he is an infant. ¹⁴ But solid food is for the mature—for those whose senses have been trained to distinguish between good and evil.

Hebrews 5:13-14

            I believe that everyone has different foods. For what is milk to some may be steak to others. Does that make sense? I am addicted to milk. (Please hear my heart as I say this.) I am very mature and intelligent because of this maturity the hard concepts that Sunday School teachers would address, when I was younger, would be right at my level and fly over other kids’ heads. I felt like a king.

Now that I am in high school, it’s different. Sometimes I can’t understand the teacher and get confused. I have been so perplexed as to why. But now, I realize what happened. I only took an occasional bite of steak. I was comfortable with settling for normal. My Christian walk was at the same pace it had been since I was 13. Sure I’ve learned things, but I haven’t learned things.

            My spiritual gift is leadership and I’ve been a follower. I worry more about what people will think then what God thinks. I would hide my light just so I would have friends.   No longer do people see me and see a leader. That hurts to say, but it’s true. I know that God is not pleased with what I’ve done. Even my parents said they saw me drifting away. And….. I guess I did too. I saw myself leaving for college and becoming famous for the wrong reason and I just didn’t care. I thought, “This world is dying and is just going to hell in a handbasket.”

So I gave up. Why be a light when the lamp is burning out? We shouldn’t. We should just give up and watch lost people fry like bacon. This is what I’ve thought for a year or so now. I gave up and called the Christian thing quits. It’s hard to do and it hurts. Why do it if you know you will get burned?

Because God has called us to it! The reason the light is dying is because the body of Christ is giving up. STOP!!! God is trying to light a fire, but every time there is a spark we put it out with lies and gossip. We cannot blame others for this world. True some people aren’t helping, but neither are we. Right now the Body is cold. And I don’t think we truly care. I know I didn’t. I became a slave to apathy. I saw so much hurt that I became use to it. It needs to stop. I have taken off my glasses and now my heart aches for people.

            We need to unite the Body of Christ together. Slowly Satan is pulling us apart and we are letting him. Church WAKE UP! Take off the glasses and see the despair around you. We need to stop caring what the world thinks. People hated Jesus. If people don’t hate you then you’re doing something wrong.

I am sorry church that I have not been the person God has called. I promise this will change, and hopefully you’ll see a different Kaleb. I will be rededicating my life to Christ in an effort to purge myself and get right with God and the Body.  

                                                                                                        ~ Kaleb

My God is Mighty

As I look back on this year I realize how big it has been. I had my first lead in a dance recital, we had a miscarriage, I found a job, I had my wisdom teeth removed (and got 2 dry sockets), I have been sick with no reason why. I had a million and one test on my kidneys. I’m learning a new language.  I’ve dealt with my own personal issues. I’ve had friendships that were strong grow weaker and those that were weak grow stronger.

And through this whole journey I experienced Love, Joy, Stress, Anger, Depression, Peace, but most of all do you know what I learned….. I learned who my God was. I have grown closer to God in this last year then I have the last 8 of being a Christian. My God is so big, so strong, and so powerful there is nothing He cannot do. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me next year.

                                                                                                               ~~Kaleb

Written in December 2015

Worship

When I was younger I thought the only way to worship was to go to church. Of course I knew that you worship Christ in all you do but I thought that was the only way to get refreshed. And if you weren’t doing everything in the church then you can’t be doing the “Christianly thing.”

I was wrong. There are so many others way of worshiping. I know personally for me its dance My way of worship is through dance. I am incredibly refreshed and at peace when I am dancing especially in my Christian lyrical dance class.

Everyone need to find their way to worship. For some it may be playing with their kids, for others it may be planning kid’s ministry. It doesn’t matter what it is. The point is to find it, and to not judge others because the way they worship does not fit in your mind.

The Ache

What a crazy week! I had many emotions and thoughts swirling around me.  I knew God was calling me to lean into Him. As I leaned into my Abba, grief came over me like a summer rain.

Grief has a weird way to show its ugly head.  Grief gives you no fair warning.  Grief barges in when least expected or wanted.  Yet, grief must be entertained in order for healing to be completed.

I had those moments this week.  I thought I was at peace with losing Grace Jubilee.  I thought I was content with whatever God has in store for my family. What an ugly awakening!  I realized that I still physically ached for my baby.  My chest cries out for my sweet newborn to lay upon.  I deeply desire to hear and feel my sweet baby breathe and grunt.  The ache is real. 

I took time this week to grieve again too remember what I truly lost. I cried. I journaled.  I mourned.  I was honest with God and myself.  I grieved and allowed God to heal my wound.

In remembering what I lost, I become thankful for what I have.  Life is precious whether you are a few days in utero or a few days away from 100. 

Miscarriage is hard.  Miscarriage brings me to my knees.  Miscarriage keeps me humble.

The ache I feel won't be fixed.  It is just a reminder that this earth is not my home.  I am just passing by.  Someday, my Abba will heal my ache and I will those precious babies and their fullness in Christ.

Time--Friend or Foe?

Blogging gets harder and harder with the new technology.  It took me five minutes just to figure out how to get back to this page.  I think I signed Kaleb out of every thing. We are in such a fast pace life.  We rush to get everywhere.  We have meals ready in minutes, washing machines that can wash 20+ towels, dishwashers that fit a days worth of dishes....yet we don't use our 'extra' time wisely. 

Time ticks by at the same rate every day.  Yet, some days rush by and others drag. We cannot control time.  Time in essence controls us.  I watch the clock for meal times, bed times, awake times, screen times. I watch the calendar for school starting, birthdays, Mark's much awaited homecoming and holidays.  Time is either my enemy or my friend.  It is definitely a love/hate relationship.

Each day time ticks by something amazing happens.  My children grow taller, wiser, and  smarter.  When I rush time I miss all of that growing up.  I have to learn to embrace each of these beautiful, hard moments before I spend my life watching time pass me by.

How can I embrace time and enjoy the hard, crazy, loving moments of my life?  Kaleb taught me.  In a deep conversation with my son, he realized that Facebook was capturing valuable time. In an instant, he deleted Facebook from his phone.  Quickly the Spirit spoke to my heart.  I needed to delete Facebook from my phone as well.  It was taking my time and making me wish moments away.  When life is too hard or it gets too crazy in my head or in my home, I went straight to Facebook.

It was my escape.

Not anymore...

When life gets crazy, I turn to God. 

 He is my anchor not this world. 

 He teaches me how to be still in quiet pastures

.  He stills my soul and restores me.

He quiets my heart.

 

 

Be still and know that I AM God. Psalms 46:10

The Road Marked with Tears and Hope

Written by Kaleb

Losing a sibling is unlike any pain I have ever experienced. It’s not like when you lose a loved one that has been on this earth. Because if you lose a loved one that you’ve known then you can cherish the memories. You cannot do that with a miscarriage. With a miscarriage, it’s a whole different ball game. The only thing you have of them is a hope of what might have been. The hope of seeing their first bite of food, their first tooth, or their first time to hear music when all of these are takin away, all your left with is a hope of what might have been. What could have been their favorite song, what would have been their favorite color, what would have they looked like.

My pain is deep. It is a pain I cannot explain with a simple word. I’m angry at God for taking them away from me. I mad because I don’t understand why he would not allow another child into my family. I’m hurt because a part of me is gone and I cannot get it back. I want to cry but no tears come. I tell myself that time will heal, but how long will it take?

But through all this pain I still have hope and joy. I know they are in a better place. I know God has a plan and that this will turn to good. I know that one day all my family will be united in heaven. I love you Joshua, Stephen, Hezekiah, Zachariah, Micah, Mary-Elizabeth, Faithful, Rebekah, Malachi, Mercy, Faith, and Grace. I love you all and I cannot wait until we are all united together in Heaven.

Hidden Emotions

The spotlight beamed upon the solo dancer and her dark stage. Then a solemn song sprang from the speaker and the dance came to life. Her moves were low to the floor, her face had no expression, and her back was hunched. The mournful story had the audience captivated in silence that no one dared to break. Then a small tone in the music changed, and magic filled the air. The dancer’s eyes sparkled, her moves became higher and lighter, and her back straighten. The crowd was mesmerized. As the music changed so did the atmosphere, the room that once seemed filled of sorrow and pain, was now filled with joy and magic. The dancer came to life. She leaped across the floor with such grace and accuracy it appeared she could fly. When the music ended the auditorium burst with thunderous applause, for the dance had touched them all in different ways.  As the crowd left the auditorium all was silent for each person pondered the hidden emotion that the dance had uncovered.

Kaleb